Look, we all know that Mark Zuckerberg wants to be Tony Stark. In a new in a post today, he reminded us of that when he mentioned that his homemade A.I. assistant (named Jarvis) he’s been tinkering with needs a voice. He agreed with a commenter that it would be funny if Robert Downey Jr. signed on to be the voice.
This would be a bit of a mashup of Marvel lore, as Paul Bettany, not Downey Jr., plays Tony Stark’s helpful A.I. Jarvis (whose name Zuck ripped off), but sure, we’ll go with it.
Zuck also thought a fan’s suggestion of Benedict Cumberbatch was funny, but said that Bettany was “what they’d expect us to do.” Fans also suggested Arnold Schwarzenegger, who offered to voice Jarvis when Zuck first announced it, but Facebook’s boss thought the Terminator might be “a little aggressive for a home A.I.” It sounds like Zuckerberg wants to think outside of the box on this one — he loved the suggestion of Neil deGrasse Tyson, but we think there’s probably a better option (warning, some videos are NSFW).
Honestly, this should really be the only name on the list. Gilbert Gottfried’s voice is everything you could ever want in a virtual assistant. It’s full of passion, it’s dynamic, and you’d never be able to ignore its prompts. Just listen to him read from the popular erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey and imagine Zuck waking up to that every morning. What a world we could live in.
If Gottfried’s considerable classical theatre talents aren’t the right fit, the Zuck should consider DMX to be the voice of Jarvis. DMX would bring the right amount of energy when Zuck has to tackle the difficulties of running Facebook, like distancing himself from right-wing troll and Oculus founder Palmer Luckey, who’s probably in a quiet “time out” room somewhere in Facebook HQ and only allowed to leave for bathroom breaks. Whenever he opens the door, Jarvis shouts at him in DMX’s voice.
She’s already played Louise in Bob’s Burgers, has a starring role on Last Man on Earth, and has a, well, very distinctive voice. Zuck probably loves stand-up comedy, and what a better way to run his household than with the peppy voice of Kristen Schaal to guide him through the quirky eccentricities of the day-to-day grind of owning the largest media platform in the world? Better yet, he could install Schaal-as-Jarvis on Aquilla, his internet-beaming Facebook drone, to welcome the millions of new Facebook users in developing countries.
Kenan Thompson impersonating David Ortiz
Kenan Thompson has a wonderful, calming, hilarious voice on his own, but his impersonation of David “Big Papi” Ortiz, the Boston Red Sox legendary Dominican power hitter, is the perfect voice for a friendly home A.I. Think of the lunch possibilities! Zuck says “Papi Jarvis, what’s the smart oven cooking up for Priscilla and I today?”
“Refresca de merengue y bandera con papasfritas!”
Morgan Freeman after Inhaling Helium
Morgan Freeman, of course, is an obvious choice. His voice is deep, intoxicating, and smooth, making him another perfect choice for Zuckerberg’s in-home A.I. Who wouldn’t want to live with Morgan Freeman giving them gentle reminders? But life would be even better if your A.I. voice was Morgan Freeman after ingesting helium. Skip to about 2:30 into the above video for the real payoff, which is definitely Freeman, but the helium-infused hilarious version.
Rick and Morty
Sure, this isn’t just one person in the show, but both Rick and Morty are played by Justin Roiland. It would be amazing to have both characters interacting in a Facebook-helper-A.I. Rick could handle science questions, and Morty could be there for moral support when Rick got completely insane. Just look at how well they handle court cases together!
Zuckerberg certainly has a lot of options going forward when he chooses the voice of his new A.I. Assumedly there will eventually be multiple options, like Apple’s Siri, which allow you to choose your voice experience. Whatever he chooses, we can’t wait to hear Jarvis’s new voice.