101 'Star Wars' Spoilers

Your definitive guide to anything and everything that has happened so far ... or not. 


Now that you’ve seen The Force Awakens, it’s only appropriate that we drop some saga-spanning spoilers on you just to refresh your memory. In a now seven movie series, it’s easy to forget all the twists and turns that accompany the zany space adventures of the Skywalker family. A lot has happened in the 40 years since we were introduced to the whole clan (though at the time we didn’t know it). So sit back and take in some things that may or may not have happened in the Star Wars movies.

Spoilers ahead, so read at your own risk.


1. There will never be star peace.

2. Luke blows up the Death Star with the help of Han Solo at the end of A New Hope

3. Darth Vader is Luke’s father.

4. Princess Leia is Luke’s sister.

5. Han Solo is frozen in carbonite at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, but is rescued and stays alive in Return of the Jedi.

6. But then he dies 30 years later in The Force Awakens.

7. Mark Hamill’s acting doesn’t improve throughout Episodes IV to VI, but it becomes increasingly palatable.

8. When he takes off his helmet, Darth Vader looks like the famous Thomas Bolton Dalziel drawing of Humpty Dumpty.

9. Anakin, Luke, and Rey all are able to pilot highly sophisticated spacecraft without having any real previous experience doing so.

10. Darth Vader never brushes his teeth.

11. Darth Vader never showers.

12. Darth Vader smells funny.

13. A primitive pantsless civilization called Ewoks are able to defeat the technologically advanced Galactic Empire at the end of Return of the Jedi.

14. The humans take all the credit.

15. Vader’s strategy to find the Rebels in The Empire Strikes Back is to send out thousands of probe droids at random, which actually works.

16. The forests of Endor surround the ruins of the Mayan city of Tikal, which means the Ewoks are a super racist portrayal of Guatemalans.

17. According to Shmi Skywalker, Anakin was allegedly asexually conceived by the Force and defintely not some random space pilot who broke her heart one time after he split for another galaxy 12 years ago.

18. Kylo Ren is actually Han Solo and Leia’s son.

19. Obi-Wan initially tells Luke Darth Vader betrayed and murdered his father.

20. Han and Leia are estranged prior to the events of The Force Awakens after Luke is unable to teach their son the ways of the Force, making him embrace the Dark Side.

21. Tauntauns smell worse on the inside than the outside.

22. It is apparently totally legal to kill Sand People.

23. Darth Vader is very big on promoting from within, but struggles to retain Imperial talent.

24. Podracing poses more danger to its competitors than the NFL.

25. Initially, Stormtroopers were actually clones of Jango Fett, a bounty hunter and father to Boba Fett.

26. Despite the fact that Leia tells Grand Moff Tarkin that main the Rebel base is on Dantooine (which is a lie), Tarkin tests the destructive firepower of the Death Star on her home planet of Alderaan, completely destroying it.

27. There are no trade embargoes or blockades by the Trade Federations or any other boring geopolitical faction in The Force Awakens.

28. The order issued by Emperor Palpatine to kill all Jedi in Revenge of the Sith is called “Order 66.” Sounds spooky.

29. Everyone in Star Wars has daddy issues.

30. Anakin Skywalker has a pronounced lava allergy.

31. Anakin Skywalker suffers from phantom limb(s).

32. Obi-Wan gives Luke Anakin’s lightsaber but doesn’t tell him he used it to kill dozens of children with it.

33. Jar Jar Binks is responsible for the creation of the Empire after giving Palpatine total control of the Senate when Padme grants him the ability to represent the entire planet of Naboo.

34. At the end of Revenge of the Sith, Padme dies giving birth to Luke and Leia.

35. Obi-Wan Kenobi helps hide both Skywalker twins, but doesn’t recognize Leia in A New Hope.

36. Vader cuts off Luke’s hand at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, then Luke cuts off Vader’s hand at the end of Return of the Jedi.

37. Emperor Palpatine has a bad case of Eczema — so does Supreme Leader Snoke — but it’s never addressed in any of the movies.

38. Mace Windu is related to Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction.

39. Luke kisses his sister multiple times on the mouth, but it doesn’t bother him.

40. If you’re Force sensitive and go into a cave or a basement, you’ll see some seriously trippy Force-related shit.

41. Finn was taken from his family prior to the events of The Force Awakens and reconditioned by the First Order to serve in their army under the call sign FN-2187.

42. Finn is given his name by Poe Dameron from his Stormtrooper call sign after Finn helps Poe escape from the First Order.

43. Sebulba, the alien who loses the podrace in The Phantom Menace, is in the background of Jabba’s palace in Return of the Jedi, but only the Blu-ray version because George Lucas is a hilarious maniac.

44. The Empire Strikes Back lasts for two hours and four minutes.

45. General Grievous, a four-armed half-robot with emphysema who can wield lightsabers like nunchucks, is a character in the Star Wars series.

46. Hundreds of thousands of innocent people die on all three Death Stars, but we’re only really supposed to care about three main characters at a time.

47. In A New Hope Han, Luke, and Leia get stuck in a trash compactor but escape when R2-D2 plugs into the Death Star’s computer to stop it.

48. Lando Calrissian becomes the leader of Cloud City, a semi-autonomous mining colony, without any business experience whatsoever.

49. Return of the Jedi lasts for two hours and 11 minutes.

50. Auto-erotic force choking is never shown on camera.

51. Darth Vader is a sadist.

52. Han and Luke get a medal at the end of A New Hope, but for some reason Chewie does not.

53. The guy who wrote the cantina “Force Awakens” music “Jabba Flow” and “Dobra Doompa has a MacArthur Genius Grant.

54. The prefered burial ceremony in a galaxy far, far away is a funeral pyre.

55. Alien supercats attack Padme and Anakin in Attack of the Clones, but fail to defeat them because of Natalie Portman’s midriff.

56. In the prequels, Yoda is half gymnast/half Jedi.

57. To disable the second Death Star, Han leads a group of Rebels on a mission to destroy a shield generator on the forest moon of Endor.

58. Luke nearly dies on the ice planet of Hoth after being attacked by a Wampa in the opening scenes of The Empire Strikes Back, but escapes using the Force.

59. R2-D2 has always secretly hated C-3PO because of his height.

60. Before appearing in The Force Awakens, BB-8 was a cast member on both Saturday Night Live and Parks and Recreation.

61. Anakin Skywalker hates sand.

62. Obi-Wan straight up murders a guy at the Mos Eisley Cantina by cutting his arm off with a lightsaber.

63. Luke initially doesn’t recognize Yoda as a powerful Jedi when he travels to Dagobah to begin his Jedi training.

64. Count Dooku translates to “Mr. Shit” in Japanese.

65. The Phantom Menace lasts for two hours and 13 minutes.

66. Luke literally never mentions his murdered aunt or uncle again after A New Hope.

67. Léon: The Professional is actually a prequel to The Phantom Menace*.

68. Sebulba, the Martin Shkreli of podracing who is not above immolating the competition, lost to a little child flying a machine literally made out of garbage.

69. Watto’s last name is Springsteen.

70. At the end of The Force Awakens, Luke is found on an island that was home to one of the first Jedi temples.

71. Leia kills Jabba the Hutt by strangling him with her own slave chains.

72. Maz Kanata got her prescription glasses from LensCrafters.

73. John Wick gets a new dog at the end of the movie.

74. Han and Finn say “Hell” at different points in the movies, implying a Judeo-Christian theology exists in the Star Wars Universe.

75. The Force Awakens proves Lando is not the only black person in the universe.

76. In The Force Awakens, C-3PO has a red arm.

77. Attack of the Clones lasts for two hours and 22 minutes. It’s way too long.

78. A New Hope lasts for two hours and one minute.

79. They’re all motion pictures.

80. The way to disable an Imperial AT-AT walker is to just trip it up with some cables.

81. Revenge of the Sith lasts for two hours and 20 minutes.

82. Luke’s Jedi training is basically a Tough Mudder race and a connecting flight.

83. Samuel L Jackson dies.

84. The best way to always escape from the Empire: hide in an asteroid field.

85. What Han Solo said: “It’s true. All of it. The Dark Side. The Jedi. They’re real.”

86. The Force Awakens lasts for two hours and 15 minutes.

87. Lando blows up the second Death Star, something the lead character of the entire saga did in the climax of the first movie.

88. When Darth Vader takes his mask off in Return of the Jedi it’s revealed he’s played by a baked potato painted grey.

89. C-3PO became the God of the Ewoks, but chose to renounce his robotic godliness just because.

90. Princess Leia’s iconic hairdo buns were based on her favorite galactic donuts.

91. Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin disappeared when they died because they became one with the Force.

92. C-3PO and R2-D2, who were created and/or owned by Anakin, completely by coincidentally are bought by his son, Luke, after fleeing a ship owned by his daughter, Leia.

93. To keep warm on a cold planet, always climb into the carcass of a dead Tauntaun.

94. Based on his accent in the post-Special Edition/prequel trilogy changes, Boba Fett is from New Zealand.

95. In order to save Han Solo from Jabba the Hutt, Leia dresses up like a bounty hunter named Boushh and uses Chewbacca as bait.

96. The Empire never questioned making another Death Star despite three of them being completely destroyed.

97. The end battle in Return of the Jedi was a trap set by the Empire, and Admiral Ackbar knew it first.

98. The most powerful move a Sith can learn is to shoot blue lightning out of their fingertips.

99. At the end of Return of the Jedi Vader kills the Emperor but is mortally wounded in the process.

100. The Galactic Senate is held on a planet made entirely of one city called Coruscant.

101. We’ll all be dead before Star Wars is over.

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