It’s been a long, tumultuous year. As it’s winding down, people are enjoying the holidays with their hideous sweaters, eggnog, and fake Christmas trees. It’s the perfect time to reflect on all of the developments that 2016 has brought us. There is, however, one person whose opinion no one has yet sought on these matters: Santa Claus. As the ultimate arbiter of naughty and nice, Santa is uniquely poised to comment on the hodgepodge of awful that 2016 has thrown at us.
Here’s what Santa might say about 2016’s developments:
The Electoral College
On Monday, the electoral college made official the results from the presidential election, turning the Donald Trump presidency into an absolute certainty. Liberals are sure to be disappointed; their faith in the institution at an all-time low. But how would Santa feel about it?
Considering how he makes his gift decisions, Santa probably wouldn’t be that big of a fan. As everybody knows, Santa has a firm policy of ask and ye shall receive. There’s no middleman interpreting things or making the final call when he gets a letter. Unsurprisingly, then, Santa might be disappointed to see that a huge majority of Americans asked for Hillary Clinton, but got Donald Trump instead. He’d happily sign a petition to get that constitutional amendment going.
Santa remembers a simpler time when all people wanted for Christmas was a model train or some kind of action figure. That stuff’s easy for his elves to make. They can churn out thousands of those bad boys per year. Now, people are telling him that his workshop’s going to have to get working on sex robots with warm genitals? Robots that can talk, no less? This has inevitably resulted in labor conflicts at the North Pole, where the elves are being worked to the point of exhaustion trying to figure out all that complex technology. Basically it’s been one massive headache for Mr. Claus.
There’s also the issue of fitting all those sexy, sexy androids in the sleigh, but he’ll cross that bridge when he comes to it. If nothing else, Santa’s team is dedicated. They’ll give 100 percent to make sure that anyone who wants can have access to warm genitals on a robot — which are a much more immersive experience than Matchbox cars.
This is an issue that’s pretty near and dear to Santa’s heart considering his home is in the North Pole. With Scott Pruitt as Trump’s pick for head of the Environmental Protection Agency, he’s reasonably concerned for the fate of his glacier homestead. Maybe this year, instead of putting out milk and cookies, people can install some LED or CFL lighting in their home to save electricity. Or get some solar panels on the roof. Even though those rooftop panels can make for a tricky sleigh landing, Santa might appreciate them a little more than the snack this year.
As one of the pivotal issues in the 2016 election, news of the rampant income inequality in the United States has surely affected things in Santa’s workshop. With Trump’s cabinet poised to be the richest in history, the elves have started to take note. Word on the street is that questions are buzzing around the workshop about why exactly the reindeer make more in one night than the elves do all year — especially when they’re busy making all those sex robots? Sure, Rudolph’s got that nifty nose, but what the hell makes Dasher so special? Why does Prancer get a Christmas bonus? He only ever works on Christmas, anyway. The elves are fed up that “flying reindeer” is a prestige position.
If the issue isn’t resolved before next year, Santa could face a prolonged elven strike, which would put a hold on all toy production for the time being. It’s safe to say that Santa’s corporate headquarters need to figure out how to satisfy the elves. Perhaps a pension plan?
There’s a reason Santa keeps that list of his on paper. Having all those names on his computer is pretty risky in this day and age, with a possible a hacker snooping in on that information. Or worse, moving someone from the naughty section to the nice. Sorry, Vladimir Putin, you’ll have to wait just like everyone else to find out what you’re getting this year. But here’s a hint: It rhymes with foal, mole, and a-hole.
Photos via Getty Images / Bennett Raglin