John Oliver Slams Birds as 'Disgusting Sky Mice'

As the birds migrate south, Oliver thinks they shouldn't return.

Last Week Tonight/YouTube

John Oliver is back, and this time, he’s taking to the skies. The host of HBO’s Last Week Tonight is currently recording a series of web-exclusive shorts while his show is on a break – covering topics like superhero creations and “folksy” gourds. On Monday, Oliver decided to attack one of nature’s greatest creations: the bird.

“Birds are symbols of love, wisdom, and of course, human trafficking,” Oliver said, referring to tropes of the stork carrying a child. The northern hemisphere is currently moving into migration season, where birds will fly South to mate in warmer climates. “It’s their version of Eat, Pray, Love, except birds are too dumb to realize that everything they needed was inside them the whole time.”

To those birds on vacation, Oliver has a message for them: “Fuck you birds! Fuck you! I hope you never come back!,” he said. “To me, every bird is just a shitty sequel to the dinosaurs, and we all know we’d be better off without you!”

No bird (except the penguin) was safe from Oliver’s tirade against feathered friends. He described geese as “ducks that played football in high school and never stopped going to the gym,” hummingbirds as “obese bees in need of a nosejob” and ostriches as “like a giant ball of lint trying to upshit out a huge leathery snake.”

Oliver even had rage left for everyone’s favorite talking animal. “Oh, what, I’m supposed to like parrots because they can talk?” he asked. “Basically every human being talks, and I hate most of them!”

“I hope all you disgusting sky mice enjoy your tropical getaways, while the rest of us face the frigid torment of winter,” Oliver said.

Last Week Tonight returns to its regular scheduling on HBO September 25, just in time for humans to cope with the long winter months.

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