John Oliver Wants to Ban 'Obnoxiously Folksy' Gourds

Oliver proposed extending the rules on wearing white after Labor Day.

Last Week Tonight/YouTube

John Oliver loves the tradition of not wearing white after Labor Day. He loves it so much, that in a special web episode of Last Week Tonight released Monday, he’s come up with some other traditions that viewers should adopt.

The show is currently on a break, but in the meantime the Last Week Tonight team have been producing web-only short episodes that thus far have covered Oliver’s idea for a superhero character. His next episode more closely follows the week’s events, as millions across the U.S. celebrate Labor Day. “Which, incidentally, is something you can call your child’s birthday if you really wanna make it all about you,” Oliver said.

Much like white after Labor Day, Oliver said there should be time limits on how long you can leave gourds on the front porch. “It’s cute in October, it’s acceptable but obnoxiously folksy in November; but after that, you’re just keeping loose produce lying around,” Oliver said. “It’s no better than adoring your front porch with a bunch of watermelons and carrot sticks.”

Eggnog fans may want to skip this next one: Oliver thinks there should be limits on how long the seasonal drink should be consumed. “If you start your calendar year by consuming a beverage with the density and nutritional benefits of molten steel, scrap the rest of your resolutions and take care of your fucking nog problem!,” he said.

It’s not just seasonal holidays that should get time limits, though. Oliver also took the chance to outlaw some other habits that have lingered for far too long. “For instance, let’s stop saying ‘that’s interesting’ when we mean ‘that is not interesting,’” he said. “From now on, when someone tells you a boring story, just say bless you, like you were just sneezed on, because that is what hearing about someone’s travel delay feels like.”

Oliver also selected winking for the chopping block. “A wink is a gesture that is somehow both deeply sexual and incredibly un-sexy,” he said. “Like licking a pine cone.”

Last Week Tonight returns to HBO on Sunday, September 25.

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