Ask Black Mirror’s “Coach” How Long Your Relationship Will Last

There's no "forever' option.

The dating “Coach” from Black Mirror is here to potentially ruin your Valentine’s Day with predictions about your current relationship. A cross between a dating app and personal assistant, Coach appeared in the Season 4 episode, “Hang the DJ.”

As with all Black Mirror vignettes, “Hang the DJ” takes place in a technologically advanced future society. In this alternate reality, a dating app has become so sophisticated that it dictates the length of your relationships in service of finding your ultimate match. The idea is to test run many different relationships, thereby accruing data about your romantic preferences in order to make the most accurate choice.

Masochists can now inhabit the most dystopian aspect of this episode; by visiting this website, which went live on Wednesday, you can solicit a relationship prognosis from Coach. And you probably won’t like it.

The all lowercase letters really magnify the creepy factor.

Upon reaching the sparse site, Coach will prompt you to share a link with your romantic partner. Once you are both there, the authoritarian matchmaker will present you both with a button that will reveal the temporal status of your union.

Coach will tell both parties to click the button within a 5 second window, and if you oblige, it will share the time left in your current relationship, called the “expiry date.” (Coach says both people must click at the same time, but I tried running the site in two different windows and still got an answer — 18 years, which is actually kind of grim when you think about it.) Having tried it a few times, it seems pretty clear that it’s just a random assignment.

I am all about that "live fast, die young' lifestyle.

Sure, the website is a bit gimmicky, but it’s also the perfect way for Black Mirror to celebrate Valentine’s Day — not with flowers and chocolate, but a grim assurance that your relationship will eventually end. It’s only a matter of time.

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