When Surgeon Simulator first came out in 2013, PC gamers everywhere took some time out of their busy days screaming obscenities at each other on League of Legends and Dota 2: to desperately fumble around with surgical implements and repeatedly mutilate “Bob,” the patient in need of a heart transplant. Then, expansions for the game came in the form of Tricia, an alien, and a Team Fortress 2-themed patient to hack up. On the game’s three-year anniversary, Surgeon Simulator decided to give gamers the unique pleasure of using their medical skills to replace the two-sizes- too-small heart of Presidential candidate Donald Trump — or just murdering the fuck out of him.
Here’s the problem though: Surgeon Simulator is very, very hard. The cumbersome control scheme makes simple tasks like even picking up a surgical implement a life-threatening experience for the patient. The mouse controls your finely-tuned surgeon’s hand, allowing you to raise, lower, and rotate it, while the A, W, E, R, and SPACE keys correspond to the fingers and thumb of said hand. Having struggled with previous iterations of the game, I was aware that gutting the future of the Republican Party might prove difficult. Still, I dove in.
The game first asks you to choose whether Trump is a “Gold-Hearted Hero” or “Stone-Hearted Villain,” and vote. I’m not telling you which way I voted, but the online results are currently 60-40 in the favor of Stone-Heart, which is probably the most accurate polling data we’re going to get in this election year.
Here he is, in all his glory.
First, after observing that the patient did bear some likeness to Donald Trump, I took stock of what the Greatest Operating Theater in America had to offer.
Great, so, I’ve got a bottle of Trump Vodka, a (presumably) Trump Steak, gold surgical implements, a present, a replica of Trump Tower, and a golden hatchet — which I’m relatively certain isn’t a normal surgical implement, but I write for a living, so what the hell do I know?
Let’s check out the other side of the table.
There’s a “human organ” case, but considering how unbelievably bad I am at this game it’s doubtful that I’ll even get that far, but the ninja-star/Beyblade looking thing could be useful. This would also be a good time to note that the whole thing is presented in a Fox News-esque UI, and a scrolling ticker at the bottom of the screen rolls out Trump quotes – “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy the country?” which he didn’t actually say, (he retweeted it).
Ok, time to get down to business.
Unlike Marco Rubio, Donald Trump is a human with organs, which is interesting because I half expected the joke to be that you take off the sheet covering him and there’s just a tiny lizard person inside his flesh-suit.
So the first thing to do in a heart transplant is to get through the ribcage, right? Or sternum. We need to get through the bones. I decided to use the spinny-ninja-star-thing, and successfully managed to mangle a certain part of Trump’s ribcage, while only losing half of his blood. Along the way, I racked up $305,177.40 of medical expenses, which I added to slightly after I poured the bottle of Trump vodka all over the floor (I was aiming for his face, but I am very bad at this game).
SurgeonSim.com is tracking the total Trump medical expenses players have racked up — we’re currently at $17,685,531,012, which is probably what it would cost to revitalize the country after about 30 minutes of a Trump Presidency. I decided to use the golden axe to try to free up some more operating space in Trump’s ribs. It didn’t work very well, and I promptly dropped the axe trying to take a screenshot.
At this point, Trump was bleeding out rapidly. He only had about half a liter of blood left, which, in hindsight, I could have prevented by using some of the more sophisticated medical tools (YouTube has since informed me that you can actually give people injections and stuff, but again, I am very bad at this game).
I frantically tried to pull the golden axe out of Americas Last Best Hope For Success’s chest, but Trump promptly died.
My main takeaway from hastily playing Surgeon Simulator is that I make about as good of a surgeon as Donald Trump would make a Commander in Chief. We’ve done about the same amount of research into the process, and have been treating the entire experience of (surgery or running for office, respectively) with a level of despicably-lazy irreverence and hateful vitriol, previously unseen in either politics or virtual surgery. That being said, Surgeon Simulator is a surprisingly fun, interesting, and complex game if you don’t have the attention span/ frustration tolerance of a box of hair (like me or the Donald), so you should definitely watch someone actually successfully performing a Donaldotomy operation below.