Smoke These Pot Strains at 2016 Kids Movies

A lot of them look very weird. Here's how to make them weirder.


Post-Oscars, the film studios are rolling out a ton of family-friendly fare. But this season feels trippier than most. The trailers for some of 2016’s children’s, alone, are enough to make you think that Cheech and/or Chong have a hand in some of the scripts. So, whether you’ve got to take your own kid to the multiplex or are just a major weirdo with a lot of free time, here’s a list of pot strains to pair with each film. And if you’re offended by the premise of marijuana smoking before a kids movie, just remember that those Disney animators used to draw mad boners into the cartoons.

Zootopia, March 4

Just about every sort of animal imaginable populates the world of Zootopia: from a police offer rabbit to a pop star gazelle. But there don’t seem to be any apes in starring roles. Amend this wrong by sparking up a bowl of Gorilla Glue. It boasts euphoric effects that will put you in right mindset to watch a movie about a bunch of walking, talking, anthropomorphic beasts.

The Little Prince, March 18

A major adaptation of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s famed asteroid novella, Le Petit Prince promises to be far-out. And as perhaps the most famous French space prose ever written, there’s no better homage to the work than getting down on some Cheese. See, French people love cheese. Blaze some of the fromage-scented strain up and let its sour notes hit your nose. Formidable!

The Jungle Book, April 15

Trees! Haze! And a whistling bear voiced by Bill Murray! Time to get weird. So what’s the choice? Mango. This indica sports the flavors of said jungle fruit as well as tropical undertones. Its effects include “happy” and “relaxed”: the bare necessities.

Ratchet & Clank, April 29

This flick is based on the video game series that takes place in outer space with anthropomorphic characters and robots — a very tokable premise. Sounds like it’s just the task for Skywalker, which references another, lesser-known galactic franchise. The indica strain is heavy on the relaxation and should have you back on your couch playing Ratchet & Clank video games in no time.

The Angry Birds Movie, May 20

Somebody wasn’t sober when they greenlit — green … lit, bro — a movie based on a cellphone video game that doubles as perhaps the greatest time-suck of the 21st century. So, might as well join the party with Alaskan Thunder Fuck. It, in no way, relates to the moniker or themes of the film, but is the greatest strain name going.

Alice Through the Looking Glass, May 27

Unless you can score some hard-to-find Alice in Wonderland — yup, that’s an actual strain name — or, ever better, some strong acid, this psychedelic journey calls out one name: White Widow. The hybrid is not only a classic like Lewis Carroll’s books, but it also bears a name similar to Alice’s White Rabbit. Most importantly, White Widow will mess you up proper, swirling your mind into a kaleidoscopic spin cycle perfectly matched by what is sure to be a deranged film.

Finding Dory, June 17

As you might expect, the sequel to Finding Nemo is primed to feature plenty of aquatic exploration with images of azure waters and swimming fish. Sounds ripe for some Blue Dream, which boasts a full-body chill. Float on.

The BFG, July 1

When there’s a Big Fucking Giant around — that’s what it stands for, right? — it’s time to feel like more than just a man. Enter Bruce Banner, a hybrid which lends to euphoria and creativity. But, for real, Roald Dahl must’ve burned it down.

Pete’s Dragon, August 12

All you need to do is watch the trailer: The lush greenery, the tall trees, the effin’ dragon. (Dragons have — fairly or unfairly — a rich history with dope.) Pete’s is no doubt gonna be a trip, and what better assistant for your expedition than some Red Dragon. Sure, the namesake monster ain’t red, but Bryce Dallas Howard’s hair sure is. And, I might be reaching here, but: Robert Redford is also in it. I swear I’m not high as I type this. Red Dragon.

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