The only thing worse than Elon Musk and Grimes’s relationship is the budding fan fiction about Elon Musk and Grimes’s relationship. For that sentence alone, I should burn this blog at the stake.

On Wednesday, a fictionalized account of the new couple’s quasi-human courtship cropped up on fanfiction site Archive of Our Own. In it, the story’s main character, Vernon, has a text message conversation with Grimes (real name Claire Boucher) about her new boyfriend, a barely sentient toaster oven. Their conversation inspires Vernon to seek a billionaire companion of their own.

“I guess it’s not really my business,” Vernon texts, sheepishly, “but are you really going out with the Tesla dude?” A few days later, Grimes, who’s saved as “Claire lmao,” responds that Elon Musk is building a rocket for her.

“He’s ok tbh but … i’m here for the space travel lmao,” she replies. “why tf else would I wear his brand logo as fashion? Do u know me??”

It goes on like this back-and-forth until Grimes tells Vernon to “lol get ur own billionaire bf with a space program.”

elon musk grimes fanfic
This gave me hives

While this is purely fanfic, we’re all secretly hopeful Elon Musk doesn’t read this and get any ideas.

At least the piece’s author, Aquamint, appears to be in on the joke, and totally acknowledges its absurdity —there might even be a sequel. (We reached out to the author via tumblr and will update this post if we find out there’s more Elon-Grimes fanfic in the works.)

“Anyway this was a big joke and i hope at least one person reads this and thinks it is funny,” the write. “I might actually continue to write it for the laffs tbh.”

Musk and Boucher made their uncomfortable debut as a couple Monday night at the Met Gala in New York City, hours after the New York Post revealed they were “quietly dating.” The pair had apparently bonded over a joke about A.I.

Many people online are still confused about the couple’s reportedly normal and reportedly human “romance.”

“It’s proof that the writers of our simulation have stopped aiming for verisimilitude,” Inverse’s senior science writer Peter Hess says.

“Elon Musk is a union-buster and Grimes is a scab,” Inverse entertainment news editor James Grebey adds, referring to Musks’ alleged attempts to dismantle union efforts in his factories.

Here are some other good summaries, courtesy of the internet:

I’m really sorry about all this. I’m trying to delete it.