27 Times Zorn Didn't Get 2016

New era, same old barbarian.

Son of Zorn

Several weeks ago, Zorn, Defender of Zephyria, arrived on Earth. Specifically, he arrived in Orange Country where he intended to teach his son the warrior ways and sculpt him into an intimidating man. Created by Reed Agnew and Eli Jorné and produced by TV luminaries Phil Lord and Chris Miller, Zorn’s sitcom Son of Zorn follows his various attempts to conform and excel. It’s a fish out of water story, but this fish is kind of an asshole.

Zorn’s struggle brings to mind a similar set of hurdles faced by a classic TV dad: All in the Family’s patriarch, Archie Bunker. A foul-mouthed racist forced to confront a changing world, Bunker was a stubborn jerk who insisted that the world should operate a little bit more like it once did. He longed for a former order that was good for him and bad for pretty much everybody else. Ditto Zorn.

Ultimately, though, Archie Bunker’s charm was in his homespun wisdom. He was often smarter than the people around him wanted to admit. The real lesson of All in the Family — and this might be the lesson of Son of Zorn — is that it takes all kinds. So, sure, Zorn might be a total meathead, but his motivations aren’t bad and sometimes his more politically correct family members are happy to have a warrior in their midst.

Still, Zorn is not a great dude. His failures are really the show’s main attraction. There are a myriad of them.

1. He Refuses to Believe That His Former Relationship is Over, In Spite of the Fact That His Ex-Wife is Remarried

Let’s be honest, though, how long will Craig really be around?

2. “This guy just offered me a baby wipe, you believe that?”

3. He Still Thinks Conversation With a Stranger is a Thing That Exists

4. He Calls Them Stewardesses

5. Zorn Can’t Except That His Kid is a Nerd

6. None of His Anecdotes Apply to Any Situation. Ever.

7. His Sense of Manhood is Wrapped Up Entirely in His Physical Acumen

8. He Eats Cats.

9. “I’m sorry I’ve been busy, fighting for my homeland and making sure Vulchazor doesn’t get his hands on the Staff of Quiv.”

10. Zorn Pays His Bills in Severed Limbs

11. He Lists “Torture” Among His Special Skills

12. He Happily Subscribes to the “Humiliation” School of Parenting

13. “At work, my boss looks and talks exactly like a woman. He’s going all out, too. He has a purse, he uses tampons. He has tampons in his purse. Honestly, if he wasn’t above me in the chain of command I would swear he was a woman.”

14. “The point is, I’m here now, and that erases everything bad I ever did.”

15. He Doesn’t Understand the Fundamental Concept of Vegetarianism

16. His Idea of a “Dad Joke” is Waving Around a Massive, Concealed Blade

17. Zorn is Incapable of Controlling His Workplace Frustration

18. Zorn Has Seen (and Enjoyed) the Keanu Reeves Film ‘Speed’

19. “Compassion is when two horses die at the exact same moment.”

20. He Totally Thinks Those Bangs Are Working

21. This is Zorn’s Idea of a Boy’s First Vehicle

22. And This is His Idea of Disposing of Said Vehicle When His Kid Can’t Keep It

23. He Has Played a Gameboy and Enjoyed it For Non-Ironic Reasons

24. “Why would you need hand dryers? Okay, lets say you’ve got a sack full of severed hands but some of them are still wet from the tears of the children they were holding … No, you’re a psycho!”

25. Zorn Doesn’t Properly Dispose of Potentially Dangerous Creatures

26. “I’ve seen a lot of vagibas.”

27. For Zorn, There’s No Problem His Sword Can’t Solve

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