Hillary Clinton Proves She's Healthy, Opens a Jar of Pickles

Clapping back at haters spreading rumors about her failing health, Hillary Clinton appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live on Monday night and performed a feat demonstrating her impeccable fitness once and for all: She opened a jar of pickles.

How many times have we wrenched our sweating hands raw, struggling to pop open a jar of baby dills? How many unopened jars of half-sours have been abandoned on the kitchen counter, our forearms varicose with wasted effort? Clinton proved we, in fact, are the weaklings, as she deftly popped off the top of a jar.

A strong grip, after all, is a solid indicator of physical health. In a recent study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, Norwegian researchers suggest that elderly people with a firm grip have a lower risk of dying from heart and lung diseases, strokes, and accidents due to failing physical fitness.

Clinton was responding to the onslaught of rumors the Trump campaign has spread about her health in an attempt to call her ability to run the country into question. During her campaign for presidency, Clinton has been said to suffer from a range of serious ailments, including life-threatening blood clots, Parkinson’s disease, and, most recently, the language disorder dysphasia, which affects a person’s ability to use and understand speech. As she pointed out to Kimmel last night, in October 2015 the National Enquirer had even predicted that she would be dead in six months.

Clinton assures us she is not, in fact, a zombie. “Take my pulse while I’m talking to you,” she said as she extended her wrist to Kimmel, calling out the Trump campaign’s “wacky” efforts to undermine her. “Make sure I’m alive,” she continued. She pointed out that she had never called Trump’s health into question, calling him “healthy as a horse.”

While Clinton is not guilty of spreading rumors about the Trump’s health, her supporters are not as innocent. Reports that Trump suffers from personality disorders like narcissism and sociopathy and other illnesses have led Trump to release a response to his own haters in the form of a doctor’s statement claiming that he would be the “healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

Related Tags