Heterosexual Pride Day Went Predictably, Deliciously Wrong
Because straight people who experience no persecution based on their sexual preference deserve to be celebrated too!
June is the one month of the year dedicated to the LGBTQ community, but some straight people can’t bear to cede that much. As major cities around the world and the United States have hosted official Pride events this past month, the LGBTQ community has felt a surge in morale, which is especially vital following the horrific shooting at Pulse night club in Orlando but always necessary in the face of the day-to-day oppression of queer people. But some inspired straight person decided to start the hashtag #Heterosexualprideday on Twitter because the eleven months of the year dedicated to straight people apparently aren’t enough.
Luckily the only reason the inane hashtag started trending is due to the deluge of straight-bashing it inspired on Twitter. Most of the time Twitter trolls shouldn’t even be engaged because our reactions just fuel their mission to aggravate, but this troll needed a swift, cyber ass-kicking. Let’s take a look.
We should kick of Heterosexual Pride Day by celebrating the amazing things straight couples can achieve when they muster all their innocuous straightness and work together. How did they get the cocaine inside their baby? The headline really makes you want to know:
On Hetereosexual Pride Day it only makes sense to stand in solidarity with all the straight people who, everyday, must cope with the painful reality that there is not a single country in the world where they can be killed based on their sexual preference. This shocking visual puts that pain into perspective:
One Twitter user, using some topical Orange is the New Black content, decided to go straight for the jugular, getting at the crux of why the hashtag is a problem. Also, shout-out to some TV programs that are becoming progressive enough to teach Twitter trolls lessons through memes.
Heterosexual Pride Day is so magical, we should celebrate it everyday! Oh wait…
Just like the rainbow flag symbolizes the strength and livelihood of the LGBTQ community for one-twelfth of the year, the straights will also need a flag that speaks to their noble mission as people free from persecution who make babies to remind you they can reproduce. Really, Heterosexual Pride Day is about celebrating everyone because none of us would be here without straight sex!
The universe works in mysterious ways, but the existence of straight people illuminates the inimitable truths of the world, like this one:
This is all just about the oppressive nature of cargo shorts, anyway:
One lucky bystander even captured a beautiful photo from the Heterosexual Pride Parade this year:
The Heterosexual Pride Day celebrations have been fun and societally essential, but all good things must come to an end. Lucky for everyone, the next Heterosexual Pride Day is tomorrow, and the day after that, July 1st, marks an entire month-long celebration. Remember, love is love — except for when it’s between a man and a woman: then it’s much better and deserves 11 months of celebration.
