This month, Miller Lite steinie bottles hit the shelves across the States. Phased out in 1989, it’s yet another ploy by a member of the Big Three to alter a vessel in hopes of selling the same ol’ suds. Miller itself has brought back the original Lite logo, toyed with a “vortex bottle”, and rolled out a punch-hole can top, among many other gimmicky moves. Coors is responsible for throwbacks like the stubby bottle, mountains that turn blue when cold, a “frost brew” liner, and the “vented widemouth” can. Anheuser-Busch also frequently tosses beer into retro cans, spearheaded the aluminum bottle movement, sculpted curvaceous bowling-pin bottles, and even fashioned Buds into bow ties.

It’s all ridiculous, but the question remains: Can these jackasses come up with anything else? With my help, they can. Can! Get it?

The Puller

Back to the Future has been all the rage lately, so here’s an idea: Take a step back to a more difficult time. You want your beer? You’re gonna have to work for it. None of this sissy “Stay-Tab” shit we currently have. You’re pulling that tab, hoss.

The No Tabber

Fuck it: There’s nothing more classic than this. You’d better get used to carrying a church key around.

The Plus 24

Olde English used to rep a 64 ounce bottle and if it’s good enough for O.E., it’s good enough for me. That rhymed.

The Wizard’s Staff

This list of innovative solutions is decent, but I’ve got my own ideas. Why collect a bunch of cans to make a “wizard’s staff” when a corporation can make one, tall can for you?

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The George

What if the beer companies made a shaped can you could rest on your killer beer belly while you watched football and ate Doritos all day? It’s actually remarkable they haven’t and I’m definitely claiming royalties when they inevitably do.

“Mmmm Delicious Orange Soda, Yeah That’s the Ticket” Can

Invent a soda pop brand and then just put beer in it. Then, we can all drink at work and Mormon weddings.

The Orthrus

Okay, here goes my slogan pitch for a two-headed bottle: Now, you and your sweetheart can simultaneously enjoy what brought you together in the first place — beer.

The Peck

You act like you don’t know that next year, 2016, is the centennial of the birth of renowned actor, Gregory Peck. This bottle would be shaped like him drinking a beer.

Photos via https://www.flickr.com/photos/jurvetson/, Giphy, https://www.flickr.com/photos/murphyj/, Getty Images

Colin spends most of his time in his hometown of Denver, Colorado. He writes about a variety of subjects for Esquire, Playboy, Rolling Stone, Pitchfork and others. These subjects include, but are not limited to: arm-wrestling, Phish, chicken sandwiches, and beer.