The Lazy but Persnickety Man's Guide to Making Scrambled Eggs

The only way to screw up this recipe is to rush it. Relax, and keep stirring.


Scrambled eggs are a wonderfood. The schoolday go-to for single moms, the Sunday afternoon salve for the hung-over, the campground canvas for sausage and peppers — they’re everywhere, and rightly so. Like guacamole, scrambled eggs are a seemingly idiot-proof dish for non-gourmands to brag about making. But in eggs’ simplicity lies peril. For years I made the mistake of just dumping the soupy mixture into the sizzling pan and letting it congeal. I’d scarf these sad, floppy cakes with toast and OJ without realizing I was missing a chance at first-meal heaven. I saw the light. Here’s how to blow out scrambled eggs.

Ingredients (for two servings)

  • 4 large eggs
  • ¼ cup of milk
  • Salt and pepper
  • 2 tsp. of butter or spray cooking oil
  • ½ cup of shredded cheddar cheese

Heat a stovetop skillet on medium. Hold your hand over the pan until you feel that it’s noticeably warm — not overly hot. Too much heat is the quickest way to screw up an egg.

Crack the eggs into a large bowl, then whisk them with vigor. Next, add a pinch of salt. Then slowly add the milk while continuing to whisk the egg mixture. Once fully whisked, add another pinch of salt and pepper to taste. Continue to whisk the eggs until evenly mixed, then let the mixture sit at room temperature for 3-4 minutes.

Check the skillet; if the surface is extremely hot then turn the temperature down a bit. When it’s ready, coat the surface with butter or cooking oil; at the ideal temperature, they’ll sizzle slightly. Add the egg mixture to the skillet.

Now comes the hard part, especially if you’re hungry: Begin stirring the mixture, and continue stirring occasionally. Add the shredded cheese.

Do not let the mixture solidify. Instead, stir until the eggs form silky, curd-like chunks. This takes patience. Put on your favorite podcast, listen to a couple of songs on your favorite streaming music service perhaps. They just put a few old Drake albums on Amazon Prime, why not listen to those? Maybe your mom would like to Facetime or your dad would enjoy a quick call? The main point here is to keep stirring.

Break up the soupy chunks as they form. Eventually they will solidify into soft chunks. When there is no more liquid mixture left let the chunks sit on the skillet. Turn over the scrambled chunks until slightly browned.

This next step is the most important of all: Strap yourself in for the best goddamn eggs you’ve ever eaten. Serve it to share with someone special.