Cop a Zero APR Credit Card, Already

No, this isn't an advertisement. It's financial advice from a writer who was a philosophy major.

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I buy a decent amount of stupid shit. Not a lot: I don’t really spring for expensive clothes or absurd vacations. But I can ring up a bar tab with the best of ‘em, go to too many concerts, blow slabs of cash at nice restaurants. When you haven’t had a full-time gig for over a year, are a journalist, and have spent much of your post-collegiate years in New York City, that can equal only one thing: debt. I’ve done a fair job managing my credit cards over the past ten years, but they still can get out of hand. This is where I recommend to you, dear reader, opening up a zero APR card. Join me in my revolution.

If you’re not in debt, you can stop reading now and go fuck off to your JPMorgan desk. For the rest of us, here’s the deal: Your regular ol’ United or Starwood Preferred card is eating your soul. Each month, you pay just a bit of what’s in the tank — which is really just covering the interest and a sliver of what you actually charged. But you already know that. What are you gonna do about it? Move your balance over to a new credit card and sleep with less nightmares about guys in suits chasing you with those calculators that have paper rolls, that’s what. Cop one of these:

Chase Slate

I have one of these dragonslayers. Right now, Chase is offering 0 percent APR (a.k.a. no interest, a.k.a. free money) for 15 months and $0 initial fee for balance transfers. That last part is huge. That means you can move whatever you’re approved for over to this card for nada. Say you owe Bank of America eight grand. Chase might approve you for $6,000. Killer. Move over most of the money that gives you nightmares of the IRS cutting your grandma’s brakes. Then, every time you plunk down some flow, you know you’re actually cutting into your debt — not lining the pockets of dudes who are smoking cigars made out of rhino horns.

Citi Simplicity

Got this one, too. “Holy shit, Colin must be a financial mess,” you say? Well, maybe a little. Hit me up on Twitter if you want to PayPal me some scratch. Straight from Citi:

This is the only card with No Late Fees, No Penalty Rate and No Annual Fee - Ever. Plus our lowest intro APR for 21 months on purchases and balance transfers.

Oh snap: 21 months! That’ll make you be able to snag a nap instead of imagining an AmEx commercial pitchman coming out of your television to eat your children. The only catch with the Simplicity is that it has a 3 percent charge on balance transfers. So, say, you transfer $5,000. The cost of moving that debt is $150, which is still probably less than you’re getting tagged with in interest right now. And it’s just one time. Ba-boom!

Discover It

LOL Discover, but seriously: This card has 0 percent APR for 12 months with 3 percent balance transfers. The bonus, here, is that Discover hooks you up with 5 percent cash back. That’ll allow you to awake fresh in the morning, unbridled by thoughts of creditors turned into supermachines that have chainsaws for arms.

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