Here’s the thing: I’m the only member of the Inverse team who doesn’t have an iThing. I have no iPhone, nor iBook — the only Apple things I’ve ever owned are a handful of malfunctioning iPod Classics. Eventually, my iTunes library got completely fucked up and I couldn’t access my Bloc Party albums anymore, so I gave up even using that program. Without Safari (and no reliable link to a Windows 8 download of it) I had to watch the Big Apple Event over people’s shoulders while walking around the office.

But Apple’s vision is so powerful that I was super inspired, even despite the obstacles. I learned about the future, but also a thing or two about myself, from Apple’s Powerpoints and ever-pacing representatives. Even the demonstrators who weren’t afraid to stand still as statues, demonstrating the “buttery” scroll on that remote, expanded my thinking. My mind ran amok, thinking about everything that this technology could make possible for me.

So, I’m incredibly happy to share you everything that I’m gonna do when I spend three months’ rent on all this life-hacking swag from Apple(tm). Warning: this Apple Special Announcement content is 1.8x faster than the last piece of literal bullshit you clicked on earlier. This is about art, not specs.

  • First off, I’m just gonna kick back and vibe on the incredibly buttery display on my new iPod pro, which has more pixels in it than there are sperms in the men of earth.
  • Gonna just marvel at that incredibly fast A9x chip they got locked on there for a while — get Siri to cook me a big bowl of carbonara while I just drink it in.
  • Gonna get started drawing some new custom tribal tat designs with my long, flexible, unbelievably sensitive $100 pencil. My biggest influence is M.C. Escher, the guy who drew the melty clocks.
Would never happen to new Apple Watch!
  • Might just roast a screensaver of some chill Saharan valley for a while — call in some sativa from my delivery service.
  • I’m going to spend a quezillion edifying hours with a dying loved one playing the dope game “Crossy Road,” only for Apple TV.
  • I’m gonna shop for new JNCO jeans and check out all the buttery detail on those babies on my new Apple TV, by Apple.
5.6 million pixels at work!
  • I’m going to wrack my brain to craft some phrases as unbelievably true the things the Apple Guy said. “The only thing that’s changed is everything.”
  • I’m going to find a way to touch another warm body the way I can touch my new iPhone: in 3D.
  • Gonna try to get into Rush as hard as the silver-fox iPhone demonstrator guy — probably will start with a Live in Rio watch through.
  • I’m going to learn to take Live Photos of my dreams, and DM you this crazy bloody-fanged tarantula from the other night.
  • Gonna look for a rip of that great 3 Doors Down performance at the end. What a finish!