So, right. Foodbeast reports that Taco Bell is testing a Naked Crispy Chicken Taco in some California markets and it consists of “a breaded white-meat chicken shell that’s filled with lettuce, tomato, shredded cheese and an avocado ranch sauce.” Check this Victor Frankenstein mess out:
Wow. So, how did we get to this point, to this viral marketing shitstorm? We are fairly certain that, at this very moment, the CEOs of all the major fast-food chains are holed up in a Swiss mountain chalet — subsisting only on Mountain Dew, cocaine, and beef jerky — where they are constantly trying to outdo one another. The arrival of the Naked Crispy Chicken Taco almost certain went something like this:
Muktesh “Micky” Pant [KFC]: What’s up, suckaz? We just switched Colonels from Darrell Hammond to Norm for no apparent reason whatsoever. Boom!
Daniel Schwartz [Burger King]: Oh snap, Micky. Well-played. How about this? McWhopper.
Schwartz [BK]: Yo, you guys: I said a McWhopper! We could even do it for Peace One Day! Steve? Anybody?
Steve Easterbrook [McDonald’s]: Hey, sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention.
Andrew Puzder [Carl’s Jr.]: Damn, that’s cold.
Pant [KFC]: Ice cold.
Andrew Puzder [Carl’s Jr.]: Anyhow. I got an idea.
Easterbrook [McD’s]: Oh, fuck, here we go again.
Brian Niccol [Taco Bell]: Lemme guess: Boobs?
Puzder [CJ]: Yeah.
Pant [KFC]: Idiot.
Pudzer [CJ]: But what about Ronda Rousey’s boobs?
Niccol [T Bell]: I hope she kicks your ass.
[Subway CEO Fred DeLuca enters]
Deluca [Subway]: Hello, gentlem…
Easterbrook [McD’s]: Yo, get the fuck outta here, man!
[Subway CEO Fred DeLuca exits]
Pant [KFC]: Unbelievable.
Pudzer [CJ]: He’s making me look smart.
Easterbrook [McD’s]: Alright, alright. Here we go. I’ve got three words for you, though: All. Day. Breakfast.
Niccol [T Bell]: No he di’n’t.
Pant [KFC]: I can’t believe he did it. He pulled the trump card.
Schwartz [BK]: We’re gonna need some more cocaine.
Pant [KFC]: I just want you all to remember the Double Down. We brought the thunder years ago and none of you have been able to top it.
Niccol [T Bell]: Oh yeah? [Blows three lines of coke and chugs a can of Mountain Dew] We have the Locos tacos. We have a fucking waffle taco. And, now, guess what? We’re coming for you.
Pant [KFC]: Oh, no, he’s got that look like when he came up with the Double Decker taco.
Niccol [T Bell]: That’s right, Micky. We are going to take fried chicken — fried chicken! — and make it into a taco shell. Boo-yah! Kanye West for President 2020. I’m out. [drops mic, takes wolf-bite from artisanal 8-layer burrito]