An Iowa Man Tried to Marry a Lawnmower, Proves Traditional Marriage Lives

The fact that it was underage was just the first problem.


Iowa Congressman Steve King managed an impressive feat by spouting one of the stupider reactions to the U.S. Supreme Court decision legalizing gay marriage when he said it would allow you to “marry your lawn mower.” But was this just hyperbolic jiggery-pokery or pure applesauce? One brave reporter wheeled out his forbidden love to find an answer.

After tying a ribbon around his self-propelled desire like a maid at the state fair, Iowa Starting Line’s Pat Rynard set out for the Polk County Recorder’s office in downtown Des Moines to make it official, camera crew in tow. He claims this is satire but, having spent several years of my life in Iowa, I find it entirely plausible that many of its residents are even now in their garages whispering impossible promises with total clarity. The only thing a man really wants to do, all his life, is to find his way to his God, his Morning Star, salute his fellow man, and enjoy the variable speed Briggs & Stratton by his side.

The county clerk was less romantic.

“How old is your lawnmower?

“Maybe 6 or 7 years.”

“You have to be 18 years old to get a marriage license. And the other person — the other party — needs to be able to sign a contract, has to have a government ID, and has to be able to have a witness who says they can enter into a contract. So I think on those counts alone you can’t marry your lawnmower.”

Underage lawn mower. Bummer.

Fool for love that he is, Rynard pressed on about maybe hitching the snowblower, but that just got a sad headshake.