Jurassic World, as a movie, is a middling creature feature with a gargantuan opening box office. But Jurassic World as a fictional theme park is a mess, combining all the comfort of a cruise ship E. coli outbreak with the safety of a deranged SeaWorld orca. Don’t just take our word for it. We’ve collected some of the more representative one-star reviews of Jurassic World here:

Hilton Isla Nublar, via TripAdvisor:

“A relaxing stone massage can’t make up for the lack the of sleep we had while here! You’d think that a five-star hotel would invest in some soundproofing, but the walls were so thin our afternoon nap was continuously interrupted by roars, hoots, and then a bunch of screaming and gunfire. I did not return to the office Monday as rejuvenated as I had planned.”

From Oyster.com:

“The resort, with stunning views of dinosaurs and tropical jungle, doesn’t just break the bank, it will break your heart. A great idea is undermined by a lack of foresight, in which nigh-indestructible monsters seem to be given free reign of the park — and we’re not talking about the overabundance of corporate sponsorship! Guest complaints have surfaced about dino-rights protestors at the docks, too much blood, no good brunch options, and how uncomfortable the concrete floors are to sleep on after everything goes to hell.”

From Yelp:

More like Pet Stupid! ”Petting zoo a disaster. Yes the young triceratops were cute, but the crying and messy children ruined the experience. They should have had extra Purell dispensers or something to clean off all the snot/body parts that get everywhere, jeez. Temperature also a problem. A/C too cold in rooms, did little in mass-evacuation triage hall.”

Margaritas too salty, dinos not realistic ”The margaritas were too salty! I get that some salt on the rim is expected, but I must have slurped up like a whole salt-shaker. For those of us trying to watch our sodium intake, this is a deal-breaker. Also, none of the dinosaurs had feathers, which is totally inconsistent with what paleontologists have been saying for years now. And the pterosaur that carried off dear husband flew rather like a sparrow, or perhaps a ptarmigan, which just doesn’t make any sense, as the accepted science dictates that flying reptiles must have vaulted into air then glided like condors. Would give zero stars if I could.”

Photos via Facebook.com/Jurassic World