Video games allow you to become the dashing hero you have always dreamed of being. But while most games arm you to the teeth in armor, swords, and bazookas, other games basically give you the middle finger.
Some of these sound great in theory, some are totally baffling. But they're all impractical weapons from video games that no one could actually use.
1. Chain Whip (‘Castlevania’)
Whips in general don't make for practical warfare, and to make it entirely a chain-link is just asking for trouble. Good luck getting a decent swing.
2. Beam Katana (‘No More Heroes’)
Lightsabers are cool, but in No More Heroes a jerry-rigged version built in a garage isn't what you would think as a reliable weapon. It has a dumb rod on the blade, which removes the whole advantage of a laser sword, and it runs on a battery. To recharge you have to… well, see for yourself.
3. Banana Peel (‘Mario Kart’)
If we lived in a world where evil turtle dinosaurs and giant apes wearing neckties played tennis, this would be acceptable. But nobody can actually slip on a banana peel. That's science.
4. Fists (‘Doom’)
UFC fighters might have hands that are weapons, but in Doom - which pits the player against demons from hell on a Martian space station - even they would opt for a shotgun.
Resorting to fists in Doom is less about the challenge and more about going out with glory before you respawn.
5. Buster Sword (‘Final Fantasy VII’)
It’s a GIANT SWORD. Even the guys who forged it in the video above couldn’t wield the thing. This is where “Fantasy” of Final Fantasy matters.
6. Link’s Bug Catching Net (‘Soul Calibur II’)
Wielding Link’s bug net over his damn Master Sword in "Soul Calibur II" and still beating your friends who fought with axes, rapiers, and bo staffs is the ultimate shame.
7. Squall’s Gunblade (‘Final Fantasy VIII’)
Combining a gun with a sword is neat. But when it can't even be wielded correctly as a sword and it can't fire off like a proper gun, it's a failure.
8. Lancer Assault Rifle (‘Gears of War’)
A chainsaw engineered to an assault rifle sounds like the most heavy metal thing ever. But in the chaos of war, expect soldiers to accidentally shred their hands off. You can’t win a war when your men and women are tearing their hands apart.
9. Gunchucks (‘Bayonetta’)
[INT. Bayonetta weapons brainstorm]
“Hey, Bob, I have a neat idea.”
“What is it?”
“I call it ‘Gunchucks.’ It's guns attached like nunchucks. You swing them like nunchucks, but they fire bullets! What do you think?”
“You’re being promoted.”
10. Keyblade (‘Kingdom Hearts’)
Exactly how does this work? It’s a sword, but is the key part a sharpened blade? Is it a blunt object? Is Sora just whacking everyone whacking really hard? Swords shouldn't be this complicated.
11. The Penetrator (‘Saint’s Row: The Third’)
To a juvenile this is the funniest thing ever. To everyone else, it’s just swinging a large purple penis.
12. Gravity Hammer (‘Halo’)
It sounds badass in theory to use gravity against some poor sucker, but stop and think: Wouldn’t messing with the gravitational pull of the area around you include you? Yes it would. Which makes the cumbersome, poorly-designed Gravity Hammer not just ugly but pointless.
13. The M-490 Blackstorm (‘Mass Effect 2’)
Like Gravity Hammer, shooting mini-sized black holes from a super gun to destroy enemies sounds hardcore. Until you realize it’s a terrible idea because you’re SHOOTING BLACK HOLES.