There is nothing in the world more stressful than hearing that your friend is going to try their hand at standup comedy, except, perhaps, hearing that the person who decides how much you pay in taxes and could incarcerate you at any moment is going to try their hand at standup comedy.
By now, you’ve likely heard that Mike Huckabee, the very conservative and anti-gay, former governor of Arkansas and multi-time failed presidential candidate, has been trying his hand at joke writing on the world’s biggest, semi-anonymous open mic for cowards: Twitter. The act hasn’t gone well; Patton Oswalt has read Huckabee’s jokes and bombed, he’s been torn apart by just about every writer on the internet, and yeah, the jokes suck. Our little buddy has had a tough week, so I’m here to give him some real advice (other than quitting comedy completely, which would be my most honest advice).
EXHIBIT A: The Sausage Joke
Here’s a joke Huckabee composed about President Donald Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court, Judge Neil Gorsuch. Clearly Huckabee has seen an episode of SNL’s Weekend Update or two, because he sets up the joke with a sense of immediacy, suggesting that it’s connected to a news item having to do with Jimmy Dean’s sausages. Unfortunately, in order for this to work, there must be sausage news. But there was no sausage news the day of this joke. Perhaps Mike Huckabee was hungry. Perhaps he is functioning like if an alien had been told how to write a joke and was trying to fit in with humans.
If there’s smoke, there’s fire. Inversely, if there is a Mike Huckabee claim that there is sausage news, there is not always sausage news.
Here’s what you can do, pal: Don’t say the word sausage three times within 140 characters; you’ll look like a pervert. Never ever capitalize the word sausage unless it’s someone’s name. Don’t suggest grinding the flesh of your peers into sausage on a public forum, and don’t say that legalizing gay marriage was illegal.
EXHIBIT B: The Maddow Joke
Speaking of people that Mike Huckabee thinks shouldn’t be allowed to get married, the former governor weighed in on the perception that MSNBC host Rachel Maddow over-promised in a segment about Trump’s tax returns. Unfortunately, he falls into a pop culture wormhole and brings Snoop Dogg, who would like to be kept out of this narrative, which he was never a part of, into it.
Huckabee should honestly hit an open mic or two, because he’s a natural at the bizarro, uncanny valley speak often found there. Sure, Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa also have controversies associated with them, but not with their taxes. And again, why bring Snoop into this? Snoop is a good guy. He’s probably having mimosas with Martha as you read this. Huck has copy and pasted in recognizable figures into an already lousy joke setup, and we recommend deletion.
Here’s what you can do, pal: Learn how to spell Snoop Dogg, for Christ’s sake.
EXHIBIT C: The JC Penney Commode Joke
Huckabee, if you’re trying to connect with the masses, the last two things you’re going to want to bring up are JC Penney and commodes. The former is a place that has seen sales rise, so why make fun of it? And the latter connects you to the human anus, which violates your violently anti-gay agenda. This also implies that you think your Democratic peers, who you have already threatened to turn into Jimmy Dean sausage in an equally unhinged bad joke, are human feces. This is turning into a roast, Governor, and something tells me that if the tables were turned on you, you’d take it with even less dignity than our current president did. Remember when the leader of the free world had a Comedy Central Roast?
Here’s what you can do, pal: Replace “JC Penney” with “Forever 21” and “commode” with “hyper-intelligent Japanese toilet” and boom — your joke still isn’t good, but at least it has a place in this century.
EXHIBIT D: The Tom Brady Joke
Okay, you know what? This one is pretty good. My family would get a good guffaw at this one at Thanksgiving before verbally abusing Mike Huckabee for being a gay rights detractor.
Here’s what you can do, pal: See yourself out of politics and enjoy a long career of getting booked on bar shows with seventeen-drink minimums.
Looking forward to your half hour, Huck!Photos via Getty Images / Spencer Platt