Last month, Lucasfilm announced that it will bring back Indiana Jones to the big-screen for a fifth installment. There’s been years of speculation about a follow-up after the financially successful, but critically reviled Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was released. Fans were curious about whether rapidly aging yet still totally badass star Harrison Ford could don the iconic fedora and unsheath the character’s whip for another go-round, or if he’d be replaced by a younger, more bankable rapscallion like Shia LaBeouf. People even speculated that new leading men like Chris Pratt or Bradley Cooper could even take over the reins as Henry Jones Jr.
Rumors surged even more after Disney bought Lucasfilm in 2012, which was to allegedly kickstart a new Star Wars saga, but included all of the company’s film properties — new potential Indy adventures included. But fans began to do the math. Ford is 73 now, and will be 77 when the movie makes its planned release date in 2019. That is a bit old when we’re talking about leading a multi-decade franchise.
We already made our case about why Ford’s age won’t make a difference, since Indy has always been a curmudgeonly academic — and being a septuagenarian will only enhance that. Plus, Connery was suave as hell in The Last Crusade as Indy’s dad, so why couldn’t old man Indy work? Well, action stars need to be able to do action-packed stunts, and a dude pushing 80 might make it all seem a bit sad. Also, Connery was only 59 when he was in The Last Crusade.
So to honor the potential new Indiana Jones movie — which still doesn’t have a title but will inevitably involve some sort of religious relic that drives the convoluted but ultimately adventurous plot — we figured, why not offer some alternatives? Here are 20 examples of titles that Steven Spielberg and the folks at Lucasfilm could choose from.
- Indiana Jones and the Peril of the Afternoon Nap
- Indiana Jones and the Doomed Adult Diaper Disaster
- Indiana Jones and the 5 p.m. Dinner Buffet Deal at Sizzler
- Indiana Jones and the Revoked Driver’s License
- Indiana Jones and the Cult of the AARP Membership
- Indiana Jones and the Jinx of the Social Security Check Fraud
- Indiana Jones and Help I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up
- Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the Newfangled Technology
- Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Six O’clock Bedtime
- Indiana Jones and the Hunt for the Casual Racist
- Indiana Jones and, Wait, Who Are you Again?
- Indiana Jones and the Adventure of Sitting Down to Take a Piss
- Indiana Jones and the Lost Viagra Pills
- Indiana Jones and Back in My Day Movies Had Real Titles
- Indiana Jones and the Gin Rummy Club on Thursday Nights
- Indiana Jones and…Whadduya Mean, No Decaf?
- Indiana Jones and the Treasure of the Bulk Discount Coupons
- Indiana Jones and the Great Catheter Mishap
- Indiana Jones and That Hot Blonde Number Forgot to Bring My Pills This Morning, Carl, Can You Spare a Couple?
- Indiana Jones and Did I Ever Tell You About the Time I…Zzzzzz
You've read that, now watch this: "In Memoriam: All The Limbs, Torsos, And Heads Cut Off In Star Wars"