We are lucky to live in a world where YouTube tutorials to teach us how to do just about anything. Before YouTube, people probably had to, you know, go out into the world and ask another human being (the horror) how to properly grill a steak or tie a windsor knot, but the internet has made everything a snap. Imagining life before Youtube simply doesn’t make sense anymore. Where would we learn how to jumpstart a car or paint a watercolor sunset if it weren’t for the YouTubers who’ve turned the internet into the world’s largest open-air continuing education hub?
But imagine for a sec you’re actually in a pinch — real, actual trouble, instead of some my-watercolor-sunsets-always-look-like-dry-pee “crisis” — and have to turn to YouTube to save your fucking life. By that time, it’s probably too late for you. So get a head start on your next frantic Google session and learn how to live another day before you’re moments from sure catastrophe.
How to land a plane
If you’ve resorted to watching this YouTube video on how to land an airplane for non-pilots, you’re probably in a whole world of trouble. That, or you’re just a total nerd who wants to know, just in case. Planes do go down, after all, and we all want to play the hero, no matter how unlikely it is that you’ll be able to set down a plane after all the Bloody Marys you drank back in B terminal. This video will up your chances of not dying. Plus the guy narrating this video does have a pretty comforting voice, though, so there’s a chance he may get you through it.
How to put out a grease fire
Cookin’ something greasy-good in the kitchen? Try not to set your building on fire! If you do, you’ll be glad you don’t have to track down this video on the fly. This supremely uncomfortable guy made a how-to video about how to extinguish one (hint: don’t slap the fire with a towel, like you may have seen on TV). This guy explains how you can extinguish one using a pot lid, baking soda, and a class B fire extinguisher. I hope the fire hasn’t spread to your room and consumed your computer so you can go to YouTube and look this up before it’s too late.
How to pop a dislocated shoulder back into place
Hopefully you have a friend around for this one because it’s gonna be pretty hard to Google with a dislocated shoulder. This is Kocher’s method of relocating a dislocated shoulder, which the instructor explains with a sense of composure that very few would have if they had a dislocated shoulder or were in charge of popping one back into place. I guess it’s best to remain calm in these kinds of situations, but I know I would find it difficult to attentively listen to a tutorial on how to readjust my arm while it is dangling disconnected by my side. Maybe I can just leave it, then. Shoulders aren’t that important, are they?
What to do if your snake bites you
If you own a snake, then you should probably know what to do if or when it bites you. Contrary to popular theory, you don’t need to suck the venom out because the snakes people have as pets are not venomous. If you do own a poisonous snake, kindly take a moment to reconsider your life. This man’s first piece of advice, like a lot of these videos, is to relax, which is easier said than done. If a snake had just bitten me, I would not be relaxed, but rather, very unrelaxed. Pet snakes do carry bacteria that can cause infections, and one of those infections to be wary of is salmonella. Again, he asks you to “calmly disengage the snake” from whatever part of your body it is biting, a euphemism for get those fucking fangs out of your body ASAP. He advises to gently cleanse the wound with soap and water after the snake is disengaged and then talk to your doctor just in case.
How to defuse a WWII bomb
Have you ever come across a WWII bomb and needed help defusing it instead of running away from it, like a normal person? You’re in luck again! James May, a British TV presenter and journalist, teaches us how to defuse a WWII bomb should we find ourselves in the presence of one with nowhere to escape to. Except this “bomb” consists of cow poo and celebrity male fragrance. May really should have risked his life for this demonstration to make it more accurate, but you can only expect so much from people, right? Apparently the answer is to pump salt water into the fuse to “gum up the clockwork mechanism,” which works like a charm (surprise surprise, we’re on TV here). As he walks away with the defused bomb, an explosion goes off behind him. Apparently, there was a Zeus 40 fuse in the contraption, which is designed to explode after the original one is removed. At least we get to see him covered in cow poo.
How to escape quicksand
Here’s another doozy: escaping quicksand, should you find yourself being slowly sucked down to your death. Again, what’s with all the keep calm advice? I guess it bodes well for people in this situation to not panic since that apparently “agitates the sand,” but I can’t see how remaining calm would be possible as you are slowly and irrevocably approaching death. The narrator of this video advises to spread your weight throughout the sand so it makes it harder for you to sink by bending backward and slowly moving your legs up to the surface. Sounds easy enough, right? WRONG. There is probably no cell reception to Google this if you’re somewhere with quicksand.
How to remove a tick
To end on a lighter note, here’s a video that demonstrates how to amend a situation that is definitely shitty but not totally uncommon: removing a tick. Lyme disease ain’t fun, so you should probably know how to remove a tick if one is stuck in you. Note: don’t try to burn it out with a match or smother it in petroleum jelly — the woman narrating this video kindly tells you that is a dumb idea. Tweezers are your friends in this situation. Sterilize them first with some rubbing alcohol and a cotton ball, though. Also, don’t flush the removed tick down the toilet because they can easily survive in water. Go ahead and break that sucker in half, and congratulate yourself on keeping all your blood.