Ask an Algorithm: New Year's Eve Advice 

With the new year fast approaching, you have questions. The Algorithm has answers. 

In lieu of employing an advice columnist, ‘Inverse’ uses a Python script and some light math to average out the many, many, many opinions the internet has on any given subject. This remains an imperfect science.

Dear Algorithm,

New Year’s Eve is coming up, and my buddies are going to a party with a crowd I’d really rather not spend an hour with — much less the marathon of hours that make up a New Year’s Eve party. I’d honestly rather ring in the New Year alone with Netflix than spend it with these people. Is that lame and antisocial? What’s better, to be happy alone and fuck up tradition, knowing I’ll have a solid night? Or to do something traditionally “New Years’” but be miserable?

Mopey in Minneapolis

Dear Mopey,

New Year’s Eve party plans are preposterously high, and realities are inevitably disappointing. With all that pressure, it’s a miracle anyone manages to have a time bar culture has spent eons cultivating.

Everyone is everywhere on NYE, so if you haven’t had that harrowing-but-wisdom-delivering experience, perhaps you should trek it out. This holiday is an excuse to get cray, reminisce about the process. New Year’s celebrator wants to be sandwiched between smelly armpits and get their first drink at midnight. That is never a bad thing.

But here’s the more realistic version of your night: When it comes down to it, this is just another day. It’ll come and go and you’ll be just fine. And if you stay home you might be able to make conversation with those you have lived the past year with.

Having to wear a diaper and stand for 10 hours in Time’s Square is enough to keep you home for the night.

Let’s face facts: No reasonable New Year’s Eve should look like, as opposed to what it actually does look like.

-Your Friendly Neighborhood Algorithm

Dear Algorithm,

I’m going to a New Year’s party, and I have it on good authority that someone I’ve been interested in for a long time will also be there. How should I navigate the midnight kiss? Do I position myself near them and hope for the best? Do I avoid it because I don’t want our first kiss to be a cliché? And if it happened, how would I know they were really into it or it was just the heat of the moment? But if I avoid it, what if someone else goes for it and I miss my chance? Algorithm, how should I handle this?

Neurotic in New Orleans

Dear Neurotic,

Create the perfect mood by standing right in line waiting for your drink order.

The biggest thrill of going out on New Year’s kiss is an age-old tradition. It may go back to the guy morphing into a griffin and flying into a closed window.

Be classy about it. Don’t jump him like a she-wolf. Especially if you’re in a public place as you start a new year together. New Year’s kiss is an age-old tradition. An interesting story may help seal a last-minute smooch.

And Al Pacino probably secretly fathered all of us, so he knows what he’s talking about.

Be prepared for anything. From “I’m married” to the guy morphing into a closed window. Fill your mouth with pebbles from his favorite beach. You don’t think much about the night to build excitement.

List all grievances and feelings of disappointment you’ve had toward your kissing. Initiate the perfect smooch!

—Your Friendly Neighborhood Algorithm

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