I eat at Chipotle all the time (although not as much as I used to). It’s from Denver, I’m from Denver. We’ve been crushing it since back in the day and I even worked at the corporate offices for two summers. I usually have a pretty standard order — with some variations — but I was at the counter recently and was wondering what most people get. So, I hit ‘em up. “We don’t really release data,” communications director Chris Arnold tells me. “But if you look down our service line, and choose the most popular items at each selection point, here’s what you get.” Pause. Deep breath. What follows are the most popular choices people make, with commentary by yours truly.

Bowl

Damn, I know the tortillas rep 300 calories off the bat, but they’re so delicious. You gotta wrap it up, people. We’re off to a bad start, here.

White rice

Word, word. Put that limey cilantro fluffiness in my face. I will say that the brown rice is pretty dank — for brown rice.

Black beans

Fair enough, although getting the pintos from time-to-time is what’s up.

Chicken

Not a surprise, not even a little bit. I’ll even get the chicken every so often. But, my go-to is the carnitas. It should also be America’s go-to. Don’t be scared to try the barbacoa like a boss, either.

Mild salsa (tomato)

This is where things really start to come off the rails. I’m not saying the mild salsa isn’t a welcome addition to a burrito or bowl, but you gotta get some corn on there. And some hot. Maybe even some of the green stuff. Don’t be such wimps. If you want food without flavor, walk your ass down to Qdoba.

Cheese

Jyeh, cheese is the illest.

Lettuce

YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME, MAN! Get those greens off my sustainably-raised, GMO-free food (unless it’s tacos). Lettuce gets wilted and weird in a burrito and on a bowl. Amateur hour.

So, yeah, we’re left with a pretty basic, boring meal here. Maybe that’s not a surprise, but it’s a little depressing. When we’re left to our devices, we don’t add the guac — in life. And as more and more restaurants let you walk the counter, pointing to exactly what you want, it seems like the lameness quotient will be upped. If people stop pointing to curious flavors and odder offerings, why would a company put them on the menu? Try something new. Order sofritas, whatever the fuck those are. Get two types of beans. Ask for sour cream drizzled in the shape of a smiley face. America, it’s time: Take a stand against the bland.


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