Humans Aren't Normal Animals, We're "Unique Superpredators"

Don't fuck with us, life. 


As we’ve all suspected, humanity is just a bottomless swarm of unquenchable thrill killers. Every other species but us is just living The Walking Dead right now.

That’s according to a study published today in Science. In the study, Canadian researchers found our murderous habits so far removed from the rest of this planet’s sentient life, we’d best be classified as unique ‘superpredators.’

“They are a predator of predators,” Chris Darimont, the study’s lead author told the CBC, “and actually a very extreme predator not only of predators, but pretty much anything with edible flesh on this planet.”

Most predators just target juveniles. We go after large adults. We are not dissuaded from a hunt by our prey’s size or ferociousness. Just the opposite, lions and bears are prized game in some circles. We hunt adult prey at a rate 14 times higher than those underachieving snackers glutting the lower ranks of the food chain. We eat just to eat. We are goddamn perfect killing machines.

So, yeah, maybe that is unsustainable behavior and maybe we should consider cutting back on our murder sprees by 80 to 90 percent as the researchers recommend, but, eh, seems kind of unrealistic. That harmless little hitchhiking robot couldn’t make it through Philly intact, and he wasn’t even delicious.

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