With a Heavy Heart, I Must Inform You That Waluigi Isn't in 'Smash Bros.'

"Ultimate" my ass.


By now, you’ve surely heard the bad news. Waluigi, our sweet, nasty purple boy, has been cruelly denied a chance to battle in the upcoming Super Smash Bros. game for the Nintendo Switch.

Nintendo broke our hearts on Tuesday during the gaming giant’s big presentation at E3. When the company announced a new Smash Bros. game in March — now confirmed to be titled Super Smash Bros. Ultimate — the possibilities were endless; our hopes were high. Finally, Waluigi, a C-list Mario character who became a beloved icon online because we all have an unhealthy relationship with irony, might get a chance to be a playable character.

The 25-minute presentation about Super Smash Bros. Ultimate began with a big reveal: Literally every single character from previous games would be returning for the new title, due out on December 7, 2018. No sign of Waluigi during this section.

“Okay,” we thought, full of innocence and naïveté. “They’re saving the new character reveals for the end.”

However, 17 minutes and 34 seconds into the video, our dreams were dashed against the brutal rocks of reality.

Waluigi makes an appearance, but not as a playable character. Once again, he’s relegated to being an Assist Trophy, little more than a tool that lucky playable fighters can use to battle on their behalf. Once his foul task is finished, Waluigi disappears to the ether. Is his purgatory heaven, hell, or bleak non-existance? We don’t know.

To add insult to injury (Waluigi loves insults, so this is especially upsetting), Daisy is a new playable character, albeit an “Echo Fighter.” Daisy is to Peach what Luigi is to Mario, and what Waluigi is to Wario. With Daisy’s ascent to the blessed ranks of playable Smash fighters, Waluigi is the only one of the six elemental Mario characters who is missing.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’s very name is a lie. “Ultimate” can mean “final,” though it’s unlikely Nintendo aims to kill this cash cow, so there will doubtless be a Smash Bros. after this one. “Ultimate” can also mean “the best, most, or greatest of its kind.”

Without Waluigi, though, Super Smash Bros. cannot be Ultimate. Not without our sweet lavender lad, he with the scary face and pointy mustache.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, the ultimate disappointment, comes out for Nintendo Switch on December 7 of this year.

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