Cooler Ways to Cook Steak Than Over Dumb Lava

This past weekend, The New York Times strongly suggested you cook your 4th of July steaks over molten lava. Author Emily Hagar practically dared you to try it out, deeming those who attempt it “the truly adventurous.” We at Inverse don’t back down when The Times calls us out on our bravery. So we showed The Times what adventurous really means by cooking our holiday steaks way more dangerously. They all tasted great.

Real Volcano Lava

The Times had a controlled flow of lava. We went for the real deal. We waited for volcanos to erupt sporadically, which, admittedly, left the steaks cooked a little unevenly.

Springfield Tire Fire

We recreated the famous burning tire yard from The Simpsons to roast our flank steaks and filet mignons. It took a few weeks and a team of unpaid interns, but the char was just right.

Charlize Theron

The Yahoo Answers page for “What is hotter than lava?” gave us some great cooking inspiration, including ?’s suggestion of “Charlize Theron.” We approached the South African actress, who declined our offer to grill on her, stating, “Sadly, I’ve tried and failed, leading to many raw steaks consumed.”

Our Burning Office

After running out of ideas for hot things to cook steak on, we decided to burn our office to the ground. The crushed hopes of our company growth provided a good seasoning to a medium-rare skirt steak.