Let's Avoid Twitter After Global Soccer Matches

You can set your watches to racism.

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After an international soccer game between the United States and Japan this past weekend, idiots jumped on Twitter to make light over Japan’s defeat with jokes about Pearl Harbor, sushi, and — sigh — small eyes.

Wait, are we talking about the Women’s World Cup last night? Or the 2012 London Olympics? Because I can’t tell the difference.

Last night the United States’ women’s national soccer team won a decisive, impressive 5-2 victory over Japan in Toronto. And we as a culture lost against good taste, when the bottom of our barrels took advantage of their free speech right to spew total nonsense and incoherent jibberish.

I think that’s what the atomic bombs were for.

And this one too.

“all things go as planned”? Does Ashton know something we don’t? Should we put him on a watch list? McKayla Maroney, why do you follow him and what can you tell us about him?

You guys are obsessed with bombs.

Seriously. Obsessed.

Like, I think it’s a problem and you all need help.

An estimated 129,000-246,000 people were killed in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. What’s the emoji for that?

Sushi is made “outta” fish.

What did the students of the James Allen Preparatory Schools do to offend you, Reggie?

The Environmental Performance Index, which ranks “how well countries perform on high-priority and environmental issues,” placed Japan at #29 and the United States at #33 last year.


Vancouver is in Canada.







I’m feeling apoplectic. I need to relax. Maybe some music will help.