Zombie-Themed Cruise Ignores Fact That All Cruises Become Zombie-Themed

Every cruise is loaded with seemingly undead passengers.

The new zombie-themed cruise seems to be ignorant of irony. Surely every cruise on the high seas is zombie-themed in its own miserable way.

Take a snapshot of any cruise early in the morning, you’ll be hard-pressed to differentiate between it and the new zombie-themed cruise that will set sail in January. After a night of heavy drinking, which was predicated by an afternoon of heavy drinking, cruise passengers stumble through the narrow hallways of the cabins on their way to satiate their desire for meat, as they are in the throes of an appetite-intensified Dramamine overdose. After downing a few hamburgers, they will then stumble to a poolside chaise or a theater seat to watch a mindless show. It’s stupefying bliss of a braindead, maybe undead sort.

But wait! This new Walking Dead-inspired cruise has themed games and attractions aboard! Like any other cruise, these attractions will undoubtedly feel like Dr. Thunder soda: close to the real thing, but off by a couple of degrees. Passengers on cruise ships are hypnotized as they watch Broadway rejects dance out of rhythm to a Gloria Estefan song nobody remembers, or magicians that make Gob Bluth look like David Copperfield. Then, they stumble from the theater and head for the nearest bar to knock off a few more brain cells and dream of dry land.

Believe me: Being on a cruise has enough safety pitfalls without fake zombies. Garbage weather. Bowel-clearing illness. Filthy cabin conditions. Eardrum-shattering horns. Fending off desperate actors in grisly makeup is the least of the perils. After a boozy, sun-slathered week on the open ocean, most cruise passengers could walk right onto a zombie-themed ship as it pushes off into the ocean and straight-up blend. Then again, a ship of real zombies would be a veritable safe haven. After a week on a cruise, your head is an empty zone, free of anything that could entice a zombies to feast.

Related Tags