Space slugs and Salacious Crumb are no longer the most disturbing creatures in the Star Wars galaxy. Forget the sarlacc, too. Baby porgs are here to haunt your nightmares.
It turns out baby porgs, which Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy has termed “porglets” and promised would be ridiculously cute, are the most upsetting thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. They look like furry boobs, like dim sum, or maybe like fuzzy cysts. Maybe it’s the toys themselves that look freakish; maybe this toy is not a good representation of what baby porgs will look like in The Last Jedi. I really hope that’s the case because I can’t imagine these things actually growing up to be anything like the porgs the internet has grown to love and hate.
Porgs, the latest kid-friendly Lucasfilm invention in the same stream as Ewoks and even the infamous Jar-Jar Binks, have proven a contentious addition to Star Wars. Their shrill screech and stupidly cute faces might instill irrational anger in some or force you to melt into a squealing puddle of joy.
Porgs are also, supposedly, food. Understandably, people were horrified, especially with the knowledge that porgs are mildly Force-sensitive. And since they’re Force-sensitive, does that mean they’re slightly sentient and can feel one another’s pain through the Force as they’re killed and eaten?
Luke Skywalker actor Mark Hamill calmed the waters a bit by reassuring fans that Luke wouldn’t be eating a porg in The Last Jedi. But that doesn’t mean others are eating the porgs. The Caretakers of Ahch-To supposedly eat porgs. What if the baby porgs are a delicacy? None of them are safe.
But just because I don’t want them to be eaten doesn’t mean they’re not ugly as sin.
Star Wars: The Last Jedi (and porglets) premieres in theaters on December 15.
If you liked this article, check out this video about the two huge twists revealed in the Last Jedi trailer.