Filed Under Health & Sex

Are you a busy dude on the up and up who also wants his manhood to do the same? Or perhaps you're feeling like your natural proportions aren't quite right. Canadian inventor Kenneth W. Adams, whose dedication to below-the-belt devices is matched only by that of the Yoshida zipper family, feels your pain. His 2012 patent for “A penis tensioning device for effecting penis tissue re-modeling and penis enlargement,” doesn’t use suction, supplements, or weights, letting you wear it “unobtrusively at all times” (score!) and avoid the unslightly pigmentation that results from leaving your junk in a vacuum seal too long, like some sort of over-boiled hot dog.

The scientific thinking, such as it is, is that tissue will change based on mechanical stimuli. Think of it as Lamarckian Evolution for the bedroom:

"Metabolically, collagen is very stable, remodeling very slowly when there is no biological stimulus," writes Adams. "Such modifications are sensitive to applied mechanical loads. These GAGs are also able to modify the mechanical behavior of tissues, which makes them a prime candidate for a biochemical mediator in the biomechanical control loop."

The image above is not of a very tight cardigan or a poorly conceived noose. Tensile device 12 is hung around the neck and connected to the shaft in question, making it — to be simplistic — a dick necklace.

To achieve embigment, Adams’ clients must attach the elastic string roped around the head of the penis to other parts of their body or furniture or what have you (the shoulders and neck make the most sense though Adams says an “article of clothing, a body part, and an inanimate object” will do). Really, the world is your dick-anchor oyster. There is only one caveat: For “unlimited physical activity” like “jumping and sudden stopping” — because no one should have to give up his parkour dreams for any reason — the string should definitely be affixed to a body part rather than a stable object.

Makes sense.

Just in case people were uncomfortable running around with their bits tied up, Adams created a “chest vest” with hooks, so that the string can be looped below and up the back. It looks like this:

Adams envisions that his device would be used “daily over a period of 2-24 hours.” That seems a little ambitious — but hey, wear a baggy enough sweater, and no one will be wiser unless the date goes really well. And you'll be prepared for that too.

Photos via USPTO