As part of the release of Final Fantasy XV at the end of November 2016, Jones Soda released a branded, bright orange soda called Wiz’s Energizing Elixir. This is not a joke. That is the actual name. That’s what people bought on the shelves. “Can I have a Wiz, please,” was something real people probably said out loud. If you’re wondering what these taste like, too bad; the sodas were limited to Target, and good luck finding one in the wild now.

But if you’re still curious, I’ve actually had two of the brew, and as such have been questioned several times as to its taste. Here’s 11 ways I’ve described the taste of Wiz’s Energizing Elixir to people.

Just me, my copy of 'Final Fantasy XV', and a cool, refreshing glass of Wiz.
Just me, my copy of 'Final Fantasy XV', and a cool, refreshing glass of Wiz.

1. “It tastes like a piece of paper that was stored next to an orange for some period of time. There’s that hint of orange, but like … not actual orange.”

2. “It’s like a Ramune soda with chewable Children’s Motrin crumbed into it. Bubbly and bright and medicinal.”

3. “Definitely not like two servings of Gysahl Greens, despite what the back of the bottle might say. I’m fairly certain this was not checked by whatever the Eos equivalent of the FDA is.”

4. “The schnozzberries taste like schnozzberries.”

5. “The nose is comparable to that of a carbonated flower. Not that I’ve ever smelled or eaten a carbonated flower … Do people make carbonated flowers?”

Just the Wiz. Classy doorknob accessory for scale.
Just the Wiz. Classy doorknob accessory for scale.

6. “As if someone poured a melted orange ice pop into a cream soda and bottled it.”

7. “Like bug juice.” [questions about what "bug juice" is] “You know, the stuff staff had you drink at camp. You never quite knew if it was off-brand Gatorade or what. All the flavors sort of ran together as they refilled it.”

8. “Sadness. Just … sadness.”

9. “It kind of tastes like orange candy that’s faded in the sun. I know that doesn’t make sense, but just imagine you had synesthesia.”

10. “I’m not sure I can accurately describe it now. My mouth has grown so accustomed to the taste. It’s like they say, ‘If you taste the abyss, the abyss also tastes you.’”

11. “Actually, I like it now. I think I have whatever the beverage version of Stockholm syndrome is.”

An empty Wiz.
An empty Wiz.

Photos via Rollin Bishop

Rollin Bishop serves as gaming editor at Inverse, though his heart is full of anime. Currently based out of Austin, TX, his writing also appears at the likes of Motherboard, Playboy, and Popular Mechanics. You might recognize him from that one time R.L. Stine tweeted at him.

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