Every trailer for Passengers has one scene in common: Chris Pratt runs around a massive space ship asking if anyone’s there until suddenly a wild Jennifer Lawrence appears, fresh from a sleep pod. Both she and Chris Pratt have awakened too early … by about 90 years. The pair soon get caught up with the small and simple task of saving themselves and the roughly 5,000 other people still on board a ship in the midst of a 120-year journey to a new colony planet. But what if they hadn’t gotten ensnared in an interstellar crisis? Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt would have had a lot of time on their hands and no other company than a malfunctioning robotic bartender played by Michael Sheen. Let’s take a moment to ponder how exactly they would have wiled away the rest of their lives, other than give Ross and Rachel a run for their money on the “will they, won’t they, will they again” front. Here’s 18 ways Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence probably would have spent 90 years in space:
- Trying on endlessly beautiful yet monochromatic clothes out of whatever closet functions like a string of scarves tied together by a magician.
Never getting in the pool again. Drown me once in zero grav, shame on me, drown me twice in zero grav, shame on you.
Wondering where Michael Sheen’s pants are.
- Wondering where Michael Sheen’s dehumidified wig room is.
Drawing on people’s faces via the windows of the sleep pods.
Trying to hold hands awkwardly through a space suit while having a romantic picnic outside.
- While arguing over whether it’s still called moonshine when you’re in space.
- And then fighting over the last slice of whatever passes for pizza on a 90-year expedition to a new colony.
- Role-playing a different ending to The Hunger Games.
- Naming new incredible astronomical discoveries after themselves and only themselves. There are currently 75,379 stars named “Second Pratt to the Right.”
- Wondering what exactly Bryce Dallas Howard’s boots ended up looking like in Jurassic World 2.
- Debating over whether to wake up more people or just finally put pants on Michael Sheen and call it a day.
- Playing the shortest game of telephone in the history of humankind.
- And somehow still fucking up “Bye, Bye Li’l Sebastian” even though there are only two people playing.
- Posting selfies on a social media network for two. The group text is lit.
- Screaming into the void because they realize they’ll never see their family or friends every again.
- Realizing the Ross/Rachel “will they, won’t they” is even less fun when it’s happening to you.
- Making out.
Find out what actually happens in Passengers when it hits theaters December 21.
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