'Tetris: The Movie' Is The Most Creative Way to Set $80 Million on Fire Yet

The end times are upon us. 

Dark Pixel

Somewhere in the world, there exists a shadowy group of very rich people. At some point in 2014, they began to meet in secret, concocting a scheme in hushed tones during closed-door meetings. Throughout the layers of encryption and secrecy, one word began to filter through to the mortal realm. “Tetris,” said the whispers. “Tetris should be a movie.”

As always, the rank and file were slow to believe and quick to forget. As the horrors of Pixels faded from cultural consciousness, kept alive only by a few bitter critics, the shadowy group of investors hatched a new demon. Tetris: The Movie, they called it, and as time went on, we learned their name. They called themselves Threshold Global Studios, a name denoting their proximity to the void, their willingness to feed the fires of hell with $80 million dollars, dollars that could have funded schools, saved refugees, or at least gotten us a new season of Firefly.

But no. The $80 million was meant for one purpose: Tetris. Bruno Wu and Mortal Kombat producer Larry Kasanoff operate behind the curtain for Threshold. Tetris will begin filming in 2017 in China, with a rumored all-Chinese cast, who will bring the film, which is based on a game involving brightly colored digital blocks, to life as a “sci-fi thriller.” Kasanoff told Deadline that it would be “not at all what you think; it will be a cool surprise,” and that it could even spawn more films. It’s meant as the first film in a trilogy, but we still don’t know how deep this rabbit hole goes.

But time is a flat circle. Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again — including Tetris: The Movie. Here’s a trailer that Dark Pixel made way back in 2012, if you want an idea what a dramatic film about an arcade game would look like.

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