All the Ewok-Related 'Star Wars' Paraphernalia I Just Bought Online, Ranked
I've got money to burn and a mean hankering for some bear alien merchandise. I found these on Ebay and Etsy.
One of the most exciting, and sometimes bothersome aspects of big-budget Hollywood films is the deluge of associated products which bear the film’s name in the months preceding its release. Films which feature imaginative worlds often inspire fascinating product tie-ins, particularly if part of a film’s intended demographic skews younger.
In short, toys are great, and sci-fi-inspired toys are even better. With a film like Return of the Jedi, the internet still yields copious treasures, both vintage and handmade. I recently spent some of my pocket money on Ewok memorabilia, and I have power-ranked my findings below.
Vintage “candy head finger puppet”
This little plastic guy’s bottom comes off. When he was born in the ‘80s, he was intended to hold Pez-esque candy. I don’t want to put anything edible inside his head, because I don’t know what sort of mold is growing sentient in his inner ridges.
Here’s the thing about “scoodies”, particularly featuring animal ears: I fervently believe that quirkiness should come from within. No adult woman needs to own a product like this, which is why I’m going to accept this “scoodie” and promptly mail it to my youngest cousin. Fellow adults: don’t wear animal ears. Do something unique. Start a bee farm. Start crossing your zeroes with a little slash mark. Say things are “tight” when you mean “pleasant.”
Ewok Village candle
Handsome man with vague job in media: Why Emily, I can’t thank you enough for inviting me into your bedroom after our customary third date.
Me: Yes, here we are on our third date. Before you prove yourself a generous lover, allow me to light this mood candle.
HMWVJIM: (sniffs masculinely) Hm, what is that, fir trees?
Me: Not quite, padawan, it’s actually… (flips hair over shoulder, but a little bit of it gets stuck in my mouth)…Ewok Village.
Chief Chirpa figurine
Aw, that’s cool, they made an original figurine out of that little Ewok chief. I forgot how adorable it is that his fur has greyed, probably due to his long tenure managing the complexities of Endor’s political arena.
Ewok Family Hut
Kenner released a veritable smorgasbord of Ewok-related toys in the late 1980s, but the “Ewok Family Hut”, despite being the centerpiece of most commercials, was really the most disappointing of the products. Endor placesets that were released in the 90s were way better — scroll down to the top ranked toys on my list if you’re curious — but I went ahead and ordered this thing anyway, as I’m nothing if not a completionist.
I also love that the ‘84 playset from Kenner assumed the Ewoks lounged around using Adirondack chairs. The elevator is dope, too.
Wiley the Ewok plush
There are many, many Ewok plushes available online, but this little malformed wretch was an actual, officially licensed stuffed animal released alongside Return of the Jedi. Why the anatomically disconcerting lips? Why are his eyes not sewn on in a straight line?
I haven’t had the opportunity to hug this little guy yet, but I look forward to unboxing him and wedging him next to my big Chewie plush.
Return of the Jedi lace “thong panty g string women’s underwear lingerie”
Same handsome man with vague job in media, but now he has his MFA: Ah, here we are on the eve of our marriage. Let me carry you over the hearth into our lifesize replica of an Endor treehouse, so that we may consummate our union. I assume that your underwear will not remind me of any particular 1980s novelty science fiction character, just the way I like it.
Me: Oh ho ho, Leonard, have I got a surprise for you!
Wicket the Ewok board game
The sad fact about a collectible board game based on a spin-off animated series spawned by a ‘80s science fiction film is that the sort of person who would purchase such a thing using her disposable income is not likely to have enough friends to actually play it.
Luckily for me, I definitely know and have a rapport with two to four people between the ages of five to 10, so my neighbor’s children and I will play this game and report back on whether it is, indeed, a “food-gathering adventure game”.
Wicket tsum tsum mini plush
I ordered this rotund lil guy from the official Disney online store, because I like the idea of me cleaning my room, throwing back my head and yelling, “where the hell is my Wicked tsum tsum mini plush?!”
Ewok pilot pack figurines
First of all, I love tiny accessories. How many outfits do the ewoks in the Ewok Pack need? Turns out, several.
Second, I like that this action figure pack includes the stand-out characters in the ewok diaspora. Who could forget Flitchee, Nanta, Teebo, Kneesaa, or that wily little troublemaker…T-Tippet….?
Third, and most importantly, Darth Maul is on this collectible packaging for no reason, so I shot Hasbro my hard-earned dollars and am currently awaiting my box o’ ‘woks.
Princess kneesaa piggy bank
Look at this little plastic bugaboo, this little creampuff of a collectible! I like how the version of the piggy bank I bought off Ebay appears to be a little dirty; I’m going to forego cleaning it and assume the dirt that’s accumulated in the plastic fur ridges increases the toy’s realism.
Also, I like how playful this bank appears to be with my loose change. She smiles at your attempt to steal my laundromat money, but she’s also threatening to smack you with her little tambourine if you get too close.
Needle felted Ewok
I already received two of these needle felted babies in the mail, and my official review is as follows: 10/10, would squeeze again. In person, these soft toys are so cute that they awaken confusing animal urges in the owner. I want to bite them, or rub them gently and absently on my nose as I go about my day.
Ewok diorama glass locket (hypoallergenic)
There’s one thing in life that really grinds my gears, and that’s when my diorama necklaces make my allergies act up. No fear here, fans of tiny handmade wearable scenarios! This necklace will definitely not make you break out in hives.
Join the Fight LP
No, not the Crippled Youth album. I ordered a vintage copy of the record-and-picture-book Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: The Ewoks: Join the Fight.
‘Star Wars: Ewoks’, Volume 1 on VHS
I don’t have a VHS player, because I’m not a serial killer, but I’ve watched the Ewoks animated series on YouTube, and I really enjoyed the episode “Cries of the Trees”.
1983 Lucasfilms mask
Same handsome man with vague job in media, but now he has his MFA and has remarried a less erratic woman named Cheryl: Here I am in my refinished kitchen, making homemade sushi to eat off my rational and levelhead second wife’s naked body, as we do every Tuesday evening.
Me: (popping out from behind the counter, wearing the mask pictured above) YOU’RE STILL MY EMERGENCY CONTACT!
Vintage shampoo bottle
This vintage, plastic shampoo bottle was made in 1983, and it ranks high on my list of Star Wars miscellanea because I can’t imagine it was released as a first-round movie collectible. Somehow, “usable shampoo bottle” feels like a JV team product tie-in, and that makes me laugh.
Ewok Teaching Clock
If an Ebay seller puts the word “rare” in all caps on their product listing, personal experience shows I am vastly more interested in making a purchase. The Ewok Teaching Clock (just listen to that mellifluous, well named product) is the second best of Kenner’s toy tie-ins. I also can’t tell time without it.
Ewok Village action playset
I really like that Kenner released an updated version of its Ewok Village play-set, with more finely rendered details and a spit to roast wild game on — you know, for teens who play with plastic bear alien figurines. Mine is in the mail currently, and I am anxiously awaiting the candlelit evening I’ll spend setting this thing up in a place of honor, centrally located in my bedroom’s new Ewok paraphernalia menagerie.