Canada, in its infinite wisdom, has gotten an expert to confirm what we all already feared: once driverless cars are here, people are going to use their newly free hands to touch each other and stuff.

Driverless cars have rapidly evolved from a wistful daydream to the foregone conclusion of what The Future will look like in terms of private transportation. Google’s self-driving car has already been heavily featured in commercials, and the tech giant plans to have you in one by 2020. Google is also reportedly in discussion with Fiat Chrysler to team up for development of a self-driving car.

We knew this moment would come. But if we think it sounds awesome that we’ll now be able to use our commutes for sexy times and not just, like, commuting, Barrie Kirk of the Canadian Automated Vehicles Centre of Excellence, a nonprofit that advises the Canadian government, is here to tell us that it is in fact not so awesome.

“I am predicting that, once computers are doing the driving, there will be a lot more sex in cars,” Kirk boldly declared to The Canadian Press. “That’s one of several things people will do which will inhibit their ability to respond quickly when the computer says to the human, ‘Take over.’”

Kirk is kind of no fun, but that’s no fault of his, I suppose. It’s a common misconception that so-called driverless cars will be driverless 100 percent of the time — actual humans will need to be on deck for a number of scenarios, which is a big problem if they are all busy doing sex on each other. The same caveat applies to the two other most rewarding activities in life, drinking and napping, so all in all Canada only has our best interests in mind when it gently reminds us that driverless cars will not be little roving sexy-time-and-napping parties.

Kirk, master of the dire declarative statement, just wants us to remember this.

“Ensuring that a driver who may not have been paying attention to his or her surroundings can suddenly control a vehicle may be easier said than done,” said Kirk.

“People will not be able to respond in time.”


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