Poor Kimmy Schmidt. After years locked away in the Indiana bunker of an incredibly handsome mad man, she’s finally released into the Big Apple. Of course, if countless hours of Law & Order: SVU have taught me anything, it’s that New York is teeming with rapists and psychos. Sure, Kimmy is relentlessly upbeat, but the world around her is still a dark and foreboding place. We just get to see it through Kimmy’s hilariously rose-colored glasses.
If you’re paying attention, though, heinous crimes are all over the place.
1. The reverend bought some of Gretchen’s hair on Craigslist.
2. “You deserve to be free.” Letting the horse go.
3. “Buckley, you know I’m not allowed outside.”
4. “Do you like molly?” “Yes, she’s my favorite American Girl doll!”
5. “Your worst birthday ever was when you busted my genitals.”
6. “I’m beginning to think cab drivers are hitting me on purpose.”
7. Everything going on with Simone, including, but not limited to:
“We have to pump her stomach but we can’t take her to the hospital because her father’s running for Congress.”
“Her boyfriend’s an opthamologist, but he’s on vacation with his wife.”
“I was showering with Dr. Jerry, and he told me he hated his wife.”
“I totally have sex when I go see my grandparents, too.”
“Dylan said I could smoke with them at park if I showed my boobs.”
8. “Is there such a thing as a gynodermatologist? Because it doesn’t sound approved by the AMA.”
9. “That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. And I have sex with these costumes at night.”
10. “ … the reception for an Appalachian incest wedding.” Just sounds like a good opening scenario.
11. “My mother cleans those costumes every night after she tucks us into the bed we all share.”
12. “We gotta do something.” “Have an orgy?” “No! And stop suggesting that!”
13. “I’m pretending to be a supervillain! I like how they blow up hospitals.”
14. “I helped an old man in the supermarket who needed me to get all that stuff out of his pockets.”
15. “Apparently, you can get a mistress in a vending machine in Japan. Someone should look into that.”
16. “Spoon me.”
17. We’re on the fence on this one, but … singing “I’ll Make Love To You” at a stranger’s funeral.
18. “I slept with my twin brother’s wife and she had no idea.”
19. “Yesterday I woke up in the shower cleaning a knife. What had I done with it?”
20. “At the Met Ball last year, he punched Blake Lively because she said, ‘Gesundheit!’ ”
21. “This is bullying, you know! I’m being bullied and I’m not even fat.”
22. “My date tried to kill me with a pine cone.”
23. “Apparently all these days you’ve been picking him up, they’ve been marking him down as ‘Abducted.’”
24. “Titus Andromedon, whose biggest credit to date has been that bum fights DVD.”
25. “What? It was dark out and a black guy was trying to get into bed with me. It was the seventies!”
26. “I want a whole new face.” “I have some.”
27. “First time on bath salts, dear?”
28. “Between you, me, and an ex-student, we think, is living in the vents …”
29. “You can’t tell my Dad about this. He’ll kill me! Or marry me off to one of his Saudi friends!”
30. “I’ve sung for alcohol and for pizza and more than once to get my shoes back, but never for money.”
31. Does a robot count as a Special Victim if you attempt to murder it?
32. “Jason is stuck on that missing G train.”
33. “That’s right. Eat your shame. Now cry. Now take a bite, then suck your thumb, and cry.”
34. “I finally have a bra that fits right, thanks to that bra salesman in the other van.”
35. Everything to do with ‘Daddy’s Boy’
36. “Your school, your friends, your Dad’s friend who buys you jewelry if you send him your old retainers.”
37. “This is my home! He let me sleep on the grill. If you time it right, it’s very cozy.”
38. “I’m cyberbullying Mr. Finkle. I’m pretending to be his ex-wife and he’s buying it. ‘If you still love me come over right now and kill my boyfriend.”
39. Titus’ Internet search is “woman kidnapped bunker trial”. “Nope, not the one in the abandon Bennigas. Uh uh not that one. Or that one. Come on, Florida! Scrolling … scrolling … Indiana! Finally. What is up, society?”
40. “I didn’t love the last group thing you took me to.”