Uh. So here we are. This is pretty self-explanatory. Sometimes people eat people. It just happens. So, I don’t know, if you had to eat people — if you had to — what human-based dish would you go for? Please don’t send this article to my parents.

Ravenous

The bizarre ‘90s dark comedy — which was accidentally marketed as a dark cowboy picture — involves lots of eating the flesh directly off the human body with no preparation, and a protagonist that accidentally gets hooked on That Good Human Taste from being trapped under a pile of bleeding corpses.

There is some human meat in a soup at the end of the film but that’s honestly more prep than anyone else offers up. They also eat some horses for fun? Delightful. Honestly, the horse stuff seems worse.

0/10, would not partake.

We Are What We Are

This is basically just straight up person-meat for the sake of eating person-meat as a family tradition. Look, I believe in grounding yourself, but I also believe in at least grounding your meat. This version is not for me. Medium to hard pass.

Trouble Every Day

Like most Vincent Gallo stuff, Trouble Every Day is, of course, limited mileage viewing for most people, but this mix of cannibalism and sexuality is complicated and troubling. If I answer honestly about this, I might never get sex again. What do you mean answer honestly — no, of course I’m not into this. Who said that? Moving on.

Eating Raoul

As an almost direct inversion of the previous entry, this is a reaction to sexuality and displeasure with humanity, that culminates in a kinda fun, silly communal experience. Yeah. This is fine. I can do this. Not my preference but like, I’ll man up.

Evilenko

Malcolm McDowell stars in the true story of Russian madman Andrei Chikatilo, who inspired this movie about a mild-mannered school teacher who raped, fatally dispatched and sometimes devoured over 50 children. Soviet officials never went looking for him because they thought serial killing was only an American pastime. So look — this is both deplorable and based on real events. But, it’s also patriotic? Yeah. There’s the quandary.

Might eat for Uncle Sam?

Delicatessen

Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s 1991 film (long before he made Amélie and Alien: Resurrection) features lots of incest and radioactive fallout, but also folks eating less tough folks in tough ways. The dishes presented here are more surrealist and funny, but this also gets back to Douglas Adams’ talking cow meal from Restaurant At The End Of The Universe, which makes me think I might do better with food that talks back?

Parents

This ‘89 movie that looks more like ‘77 is a hilarious blend of tones and some delightful Randy Quaid over-acting. It’s also got a lot of food that’s mostly pureed or blended leftovers from a science corporation’s Human Testing Department, so like, this is pretty easy to imagine cooking into something else. Like a Gordita. I can make this work.

Silence of the Lambs

Liver cut in cubes and sautéed in a butter/olive oil combo with caramelized onions. Basically, it’s a Venetian recipe, served with a Tuscan-leaning fava bean stew seasoned with rosemary. Serve with a nice glass of chianti? Yes.

Hannibal: The TV Show

I would eat absolutely every goddamned dish I saw. If it looks Bryan Fuller pretty, I’ll put it in my garbage maw — I don’t care. I’ve looked up so many of these recipes to find the non-cannibal version and I’m not nearly good enough at heating food in a kitchen space to make a single thing. But if you make it, I will come to your apartment and eat it. Please call me directly. I hunger. I promise to wear a very nice paisley tie and leave peacefully.