It’s about to get real. You’ve heard that one before, right? Any network that scrapes the bottom of the outhouse for Round 82 of this debate cycle will let you hear it: “This is the most important debate so far. People are about to start voting soon.” And praise all that is holy. Let’s end this nauseating, bloviating, everlasting sideshow once and for all. But, wait: Does that mean we have to resign ourselves to electing a Hairpiece-in-Chief?
Here are the facts. The Iowa caucuses take place on Monday, February 1. From there, it’s just a hop, skip, and jump on Trump’s 757 to Super Tuesday, the conventions, and Justice Roberts asking someone to raise his — or her! her! — right hand. And while Cruz has emerged as the frontrunner in the Hawkeye State, Trump still holds a commanding lead nationally. So much so, in fact, that some Republicans are choking down the bitter news and trying not to vurp too audibly. For the rest of us, we watch what the man says and live out each day like this Onion headline: “‘This Will Be The End Of Trump’s Campaign,’ Says Increasingly Nervous Man For Seventh Time This Year.”
While the Donald is quite unpopular with general election voters, the past few weeks have proven his steady standing in the GOP polls. Hell, he just got Sarah Palin’s endorsement. Wait, is that something someone actually wants? He, unfortunately — so, so unfortunately — has to be taken seriously. A match-up with Clinton could be close. So, what are we to do? Well, first of all: Don’t vote for him. Even if you’re a Republican. But, you don’t have control over all the xenophobic, overall-wearing people who keep showing up to his rallies and, one would suspect, might just cast a ballot his way. So, if the blathering mop-in-a-suit does get elected, here are your options.
Yup, you’ve heard this one before: “I’ll move to Canada if so-and-so is elected.” Both sides relish in the threat, as if there were a gestating national movement just waiting to get turned loose. Well, there might be this time: Some of my Republican friends have said they’d move if Trump earns a W in November. I say, if we’re going to go, let’s go together. Where to? How about Vancouver? It’s close enough to the U.S. that you can come visit the United States of Trump (unless you were born in Mexico and/or believe in Islam, of course). It’s beautiful, the skiing is top-flight, and they have a solid healthcare system that won’t be shredded by a political version of Taz. Plus, their leader is good-looking and doesn’t hate women. It’s almost as if it’s 2016 up there.
Build a fence around your house
If that dude is going to build a fence along our southern border, then you should definitely be able to build a fence around your home and declare it a sovereign nation. While you’re at it, put in a moat. Don’t pay your taxes. Observe Ramadan. Throw the best Cinco de Mayo bash on the block. Trump would be a hypocrite to call you out. (Although, the IRS might come a knockin’. Hard to get rid of those guys, no matter what Ted Cruz brays on stage
Begin your state’s secession from the union
In a similar vein as above, but, this time, you can try to take your friends with you. The best region for this is proposal is probably the Northeast, where it would be extra sweet to ban the Donald from coming back to his hometown. This one is slightly more difficult to pull off, as Trump would probably have to cooperate.
Elect Democrats to Congress
If, we, the voters can stock the stables of the House and Senate with Dems, President Trump will have a helluva time getting anything meaningful accomplished. It will also be fun to watch his face get even redder when he’s not handed everything on a silver platter. In reality, a GOP candidate Trump might turn out so many Democrat voters that Congress tilts blue because of the Don.
Buy an apartment in the Trump Tower
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. After Trump fashions his last name in 8-feet-tall letters — made out of the finest metals from the finest mines of South Africa — and places it atop of the White House, we’re officially living in Trump World: Apocalypse. (Just testing era nicknames/future Oliver Stone movie titles out, now.) You might as well get an apartment in one of his buildings and ask the doorman for the inside dirt on Trumpageddon: Battlefield Earth. “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer,” is something future Vice President Clint Eastwood would say. Bonus: Chances are you’ll be one of the last people to be deported from Trumpville Hellscape 2017.
If Trump — heretofore a professional insult comic — actually gets elected, you’d better believe liberals (as well as all reasonable human beings) are gonna straight shit. It would be the most divisive election since the Civil War and you can bet on plenty of protests, from the streets to Anonymous’ servers. So, make up a sign with a killer slogan that uses some combination of “dump,” “Trump,” and “chump.”
Kick back, put your feet up, eat Chipotle without care, stop exercising, and watch the world burn.