Disneyland is always changing and these days that means turning to Star Wars. The 60-year-old theme park began shutting down old favorites today to make room for a 14-acre Star Wars Mecca, also known, creatively, as Star Wars Land.
Chances are it’ll be a good financial investment: Disney’s promised to release a new Star Wars movie every year, so if the movies continue to kick ass, the new theme park in Anaheim, California will be mobbed. The quality of the investment as it pertains to our nation’s future, however, is up in the air.
Among those already displaced: The goats of Disneyland, the Mark Twain Riverboat, and Tom Sawyer Island. (A Disney rep tells Inverse that, with the exception of the petting zoo, most of these closures are “temporary.”)
One could speak, here, about the priorities of Americans these days, or — alternatively — one could just sit back and be fucking entertained by lightsaber duels. Just whisper, “There’s been a disturbance in the force,” but inflect in such a way that it’s clearly an allegory, and then shut up.
And kids are so over petting zoos, these days — it’s a wonder if you can even get them to expend the energy required to roll their eyes and sigh in the general direction of the nearest llama. And classic literature, the canon? Ha. Throw a stormtrooper in their path, though, and you might just get a few gears turning.
Or so Disneyland would like to believe. With 14 acres, the park has room for all sorts of planetary simulacra. According to Disneyland, much is in the works: Hyperspace Mountain looks to be a rollercoaster that takes you through X-wing-TIE fighter battles and, at times, simulates warp-speed. Visitors will also be able to explore and “control” the Millennium Falcon and experience battles firsthand.
If you need me, you can find me in the cantina, sipping on some fluorescent drink and contemplating Yoda’s aphorisms.
Let’s hope that Very Lonely Luke won’t be far away.
It’s safe to assume that Emo Kylo Ren will be skulking about throwing the occasional tantrum.
This article was updated to make clear that the Mark Twain Riverboat and Tom Sawyer Island are temporary, not permanent, closures.
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