Sex is probably the furthest thing from your mind when you think about Star Wars, even though the entire saga is predicated upon a particularly convoluted paternity issue. Unfortunately Maury doesn’t live in the galaxy far, far away. But face it, if Anakin and Padme hadn’t gotten down and swapped some midi-chlorians that fateful night then we wouldn’t be here talking about Luke and Leia and that whole little incident with good versus evil and the fate of the entire galaxy. For an entire series whose existence is due to one night of forbidden love-making, there’s a conspicuous absence of sex. It begs the question: Will there ever be a Star Wars sex scene?

Well, to put an end to it before we even begin, the answer is no. There’s probably never going to be an outright sex scene in the main canon of Star Wars movies. Who the hell knows what the weirdos in the Expanded Universe cooked up over the years, but we’re talking about some sweet sweet love making in the middle of the main series and nothing else.

These movies are for kids after all, and save for Revenge of the Sith and now The Force Awakens, they’ve all been rated PG. That parental guidance hasn’t been for anything involving the birds and the bees, mind you. Chalk those ratings up to some sick sci-fi action and violence.

But, like all the worst teases, Star Wars is filled with some weird sexual undertones, mostly involving Luke, Leia, and Han Solo. At random periods throughout the first three movies, Leia seems to be constantly kissing either of them, including a bizarrely extended smooch between Luke and Leia in The Empire Strikes Back.

Come to think of it, the Luke and Leia stuff all takes on a particularly questionable air around George Lucas and what he was thinking considering the two are siblings. Is Lucas into some freaky, potentially gross, shit? We’re not ones to judge.

Her kisses with Han are mostly a tug of war between the two to signal which one has the upper hand, which is great for the rapport between the characters. The most romantic connection in the whole series comes when Han is about to be frozen in carbonite to an uncertain fate, prompting the pair to exchange what they think will be their last kiss. Chalk it up to great acting, or the actual steam in the scene, but that’s as steamy as the series gets.

The other main romantic relationship in Star Wars is the one between Anakin and Padme in the prequels. But let’s be honest, they’re so annoying that you just wish they’d jump off a cliff on Naboo rather than have sex. Their chemistry was doomed from the start. Here’s their particularly cringe inducing first meeting:

And then here’s what a teenage Anakin thinks flirting looks like:

It’s obvious there’s a reason she waited for their wedding night to consummate the relationship and it ain’t because she wanted to wait that long. But eventually she gets miraculously pregnant in a sex scene that happens between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. The whole series is good at this kind of thing: leaving nearly any hint of physical romance offscreen in favor of more explosions and lightsaber battles. To paraphrase Luke, I guess it’s what Star Wars is best at, isn’t it?

Perhaps the most interesting instance of sex — or lack thereof — in the Star Wars movies is the paternity of Anakin himself. His mother, Shmi, apparently conceived of him asexually, telling Qui-Gonn Jinn in The Phantom Menace, “There was no father. I carried him, I gave birth, I raised him. I can’t explain what happened.” It’s the immaculate conception in the galaxy far, far away.

Despite persistent internet rumors of who the real father is, the assumption is that the Force itself conceived Anakin as a kind of Jedi Jesus who will eventually help bring balance to the universe. It makes sense given the myths and stories George Lucas was inspired by that he baked into his whole space saga.

So to reiterate, any star-pervs looking for some hot Wookiee-on-Hutt action should look into the deepest darkest corners of the internet for what they’re looking for and not in the movies themselves. Star Wars is filled with a lot of things, but those things do not include sex.

But to make up for this lack of sci-fi fornication, we present to you, without comment, some choice lines of possible innuendo from the Star Wars saga that could be taken out of context for hilarious effect.

The Phantom Menace:

  • “At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.” ―Darth Maul
  • “My parts are showing?” ―C-3PO
  • “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to finish you…” ―Anakin to C-3PO

Attack of the Clones:

  • “We’ll take him together. You go in slowly from the left.” ―Obi-Wan Kenobi
  • “Ani? My goodness, you’ve grown.” ―Padmé to Anakin

Revenge of the Sith:

  • “Good relations with the Wookiees, I have.” ―Yoda
  • “Lord Vader…rise.” ―Palpatine to Darth Vader

A New Hope:

  • “Myself, the boy, two droids… and no questions asked.” ―Obi-Wan Kenobi
  • “She may not look like much, kid, but she’s got it where it counts.” ―Han Solo to Luke
  • “Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!” ―Han Solo to Chewbacca
  • “Look at the size of that thing!” ―Wedge Antilles
  • “It didn’t go in.” ―Red Leader
  • “Wedge! Pull out! You’re not doing any good back there!” ―Luke Skywalker

The Empire Strikes Back:

  • “I thought they smelt bad on the outside.” ―Han Solo
  • “There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.” ―Princess Leia
  • “Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size do you?” ―Yoda to Luke

Return of the Jedi:

  • “Back door, huh? Good idea.” ―Han Solo
  • “I have felt him, my Master.” ―Darth Vader
  • “Hey, point that thing someplace else!” ―Han Solo
Photos via Giphy