Mike Huckabee Is President of Rock and Nothing Else

Ugh. Republican Rock. Christ.

So here’s a weird-awful thing. There’s a dude name Mike Huckabee. He’s a former governor but also a former Fox News correspondent and a former… just about everything else. It’s impossible to deny that he’s still in the running for the GOP nomination for president of these United States, and while he seems like a joke extension of a joke candidate, we’re still an entire calendar year away from the next election, so every man who enters the Thunderdome must be judged, and Mike must be judged by the measure that he is…still here.

Aside from Bernie Sanders releasing an album of spiritual protest songs in 1987, there are no other names in the race for Grand President of the New Order World who have expressed any musical interests.

Which brings us Mike. Corporal Huckabee has long touted his love of playing bass guitar, even if he’s spent more time on the recent campaign trail throwing his wife under the bus for being a bit of a nag/harpy. That said, a legitimate possible contender for controller of the free world is a guy who doesn’t mind laying down formulaic blues-jazz box-patterns so that a genuine artist with upwards of three effects pedals can be featured. With that in mind, we here at Inverse think it is about time we took a look at the rock we could expect from this — again not a hilarious satire of our age — legitimate contender for President of the greatest nation in the history of nations in the history of the world. Yet in this video he compares musical instrument ownership to Sarah Jessica Parker’s love of shoes. Sexism is alive and it knows the mixolydian scale!

Here we’ve got a fundraiser in 2008 where a non-too-much surprised Huckabee joins in with a group of rocker types doing the rockin’ that America loves so much. His ability to pretend this was some weird surprise-trick is worth nothing, but his work along the Justin Graves band is undeniably structurally tight. Well, done, Mr. Rockin’ White House!

He used his prestige at Fox to play “Pour Some Sugar On Me” with Def Leppard. What. Really? Really. Aw, they cut the song short; what a disappointment!

This video from a UM rally is tagged as “when Mike crashed our jam session!!!” so you really know what you’re getting into here — and that thing is four bar blues, edited by some assclown.

Back at the Fox, Mike invited Ted Nugent onto the show. Mike played bass on “Cat Scratch Fever,” ostensibly without knowing what the song is about. This is the kind of internet video that is so ridiculous I would masturbate to it if I could still feel human emotions.

He will make that pussy purr with the stroke of his hand! Do you remember what kinds of falsified videos America went apocalyptic over in regards to Obama? Imagine electing this guy, who played super-white-bass on that song about pussy puss. Is that cool with you? Me too.

“Freebird” is next.

Hahaha really? That happened. Bwhaahah. Remember those dad jeans. Forever.

No, wait. I’ve got more. Here’s a mini-mall church bunker. This is the worst. This is, I reiterate, a man who wants to be President.

C’mon America. Don’t be you, again. Don’t do this thing. Or at least go for Flea. He writes counter-melodies two octaves below. It requires more talent than frat-rock or being a guy who wants to back-up rock his way to White House.

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