Welcome to My Bow-Tied World, Neophytes and Future Apostates

I've been rocking one since the womb. I'm happy you're at the party, but it's also time for you to leave.

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I don’t need any stats to tell me that bow ties are bigger than they used to be. I see them spawning at the weddings I attend, on more and more Macy’s racks, and at televised horse races on dudes who probably defend the mac ‘n’ cheese guy. Bow ties are everywhere. As they inevitably fade out of being a fashion trend, I — a lifetime bow tie acolyte — offer a few words of wisdom to the bandwagoners as the door hits them in their rental-tuxedoed asses on their way out.

Get a good one (or two dozen).

Did I say I didn’t need stats? Perhaps Dr. Who kicked off the bow tie craze across the pond five years ago. Here, the numbers don’t lie: Bow tie sales are up. I couldn’t find more than one or two bow ties in a major department store back when I started rockin’ em, now they’re hanging from almost every pole. (My dad started wearing a bow tie way back when and it became his signature look. I decided to follow suit.) But, the market is being bled with thin, cheap ties that fray easily. Get a Carrot & Gibbs. They’re the best — $65 should get you rocking a fresh new tie. Tell them a St. John sent you.

Tie that bad boy up right.

Tying a bow can be fairly intimidating but once you’ve got a handle on it, you should be all set. Like building an Ikea dresser or learning how to dance like Psy, the best way to jump in is by watching a YouTube video. This is my favorite, mostly because the teacher guy has a fantastic South Carolina accent:

Don’t wear a pre-tied one, ever.

I don’t give a shit if it’s part of your wedding party outfit. Go out and buy the same color and tie it like a real man. You’re not a child anymore: Clip-ons are as acceptable as eating a Lunchables. Off your lap.

Even this cat needs to learn how to tie a proper bow.

Let ‘er dangle.

As the party is winding down, untie that sucker. Yeah, that’s right. Now you’re lookin’ fresh.

Give up.

All right, you’ve had your moment. Now you’re just making me look unoriginal. Go back to neckties or, better yet, make ascots or bolos a thing. I’ll be here waiting when bow ties are trendy again in 35 years or so.