Trying to Understand Why 14 People in North Hollywood Decided to See the FIFA Movie

Some recommendations for the people who wasted their time and money on FIFA propaganda


Three days after FIFA President and presumed SPECTRE member Sepp Blatter resigned his post amid a sweeping series of indictments by U.S. authorities, the docu-drama he greenlit with funds from who the hell knows where was released in 10 American theaters. People went to see United Passions. Not a lot of people, but some.

The $30 million movie made an appallingly $607 on Friday and Saturday of last week. The dubious distinction of highest grossing individual theater went to Laemmle’s NoHo 7 in North Hollywood, which pulled in $164 for screening the horrendously timed piece of propaganda. Based on their ticket prices that means either 13 or 14 people saw the movie. 

Just to clarify what happened: Over a dozen people walked into a movie theater and decided to see United Passions instead of the other movies. And, lest you think there were simply no other options, here are the other options at Laemmle’s on a Friday or Saturday night.

1.  Pitch Perfect 2

There’s definitely not any soccer in this movie, but there’s plenty of aca-competition and a big focus on teamwork. That’s nice.

2.  Mad Max: Fury Road

Sepp Blatter has been a higher up at FIFA for as long as the Mad Max franchise has existed, long enough to create a Thunderdome in Qatar.

3. Love & Mercy

A biopic about a misunderstood genius that led a controversial but hugely influential career — no, not Sepp, but Brian Wilson. It is far less grandiose than United Passions because of course it is.

4. Spy

Jason Statham is in this movie. We’d totally watch a movie about Statham cracking heads over at FIFA. He could drive an Audi if he wanted. We honestly don’t care.

5. Entourage

This is essentially the same movie as United Passions.

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