Editor's note: The Indefensible Position is a series of argumentative essays assigned to writers that found the pre-determined thesis morally or intellectually repulsive. Things may get ugly.
As soon as an FBI investigation came knocking a little too close to home, FIFA's long-tenured president, the indestructible Sepp Blatter, stepped down. While the saga is long from over — seven large indictments have been handed down to Fifa board members, and a congress must be called to re-elect a new president — a long-term solution is here now.
Keep the ever-strong Blatter in office indefinitely.
I said it.
Read it again.
First off, look at dude’s track record: the Swiss national has presided over five World Cups since 1998, a period in which the international game has only gotten bigger and more marketable. (Dare we say: more beautiful?) Blatter is a rainmaker, a one-man rising tide. Organized to a fault, he knows where to sock away money: in his friends’ pockets. Does making those around him preposterously wealthy mean he’s a bad guy? No way, José. Controversy has surrounded Blatter since he was first elected — it’s a testament to his fortitude that he kept his grip on the office for nearly 20 years.
While Blatter has officially resigned from his post, it's going to take months to call in another vote, effectively leaving Blatter as the leader of the biggest sport on earth's governing body until a successor emerges. And why shouldn't he remain there? Do tyrants get 10-minute-standing ovations from their office staff?
I didn't fucking think so.
Only a week ago, Blatter's peers voted to keep him in the presidential seat, a startling reminder of the respect he's earned and not at all related to how he made cash splash around in every direction basically constantly. Are you saying that power soccer nations like Bhutan and the Cayman Islands would throw their weight behind a fraud?
Now who's the corrupt one?
When Blatter accepted the presidential bid, he constructed the perfect analogy for his tenure: FIFA is a ship, Blatter explained, and he is its captain. "Now we must get ladies." Aye aye, captain.