What Should Go on the Next Gold Record We Send Into Space?

Haters gonna hate. Aliens gonna alien.

In 1977, scientists involved with the Voyager discovery mission shipped the spacecraft with a set of gold phonograph records — which, LOL, YA’LL ALREADY KNOW THAT ALIENS GOT THAT TIDAL CONNECT — that included selections from Bach, Stravinsky, Blind Willie Johnson, Chuck Berry and more. 1977. That’s a long-ass time ago. I’d like to suggest some new songs to upload into the SpaceCloud, which is of course making the Earth-centric presumption that extraterrestrial life will be able to perceive the same forms and materials as we do.

Jamie Foxx: "Blame It" [ft. T-Pain]

When I searched Getty for "gold record," the only result I could find was Jamie Foxx holding an encased platinum record celebrating the success of his single "Blame It." I think aliens would appreciate the irony; also, if they're as an advanced life form as I think they could be, they'll have figured how to convert their planets resources into ways of getting fucked up. It's a universal conceit, no? 

Taylor Swift: "All Too Well" (Grammys Performance)

Like the scientists who launched Voyager, I'm going to make some presumptions. My presumption here, as I re-listen to Taylor Swift's emotion-packed performance of "All Too Well" at the 2014 Grammy's, is that aliens will be able to feel some feelings

Dipset Freestyle from "Rap City"

By the time that our transmissions meet alien life, rock music will be long dead; there's no use mourning it or trying to inform aliens that the latest Merchandise record was a regression. What we need to show other beings is archival Dipset. 

"Chicken Techno"

I believe this song originated in an European ad for Domino's, but someone on YouTube has made a 10-hour edit of this thing. In breaking down my own human perspective, maybe aliens will perceive time and techno differently so "Chicken Techno" might be a good inclusion with respect to balance. It's like, relativity — I saw Interstellar so I know what I'm talking about even though I was sort of drunk during the second half of the movie.

Get Up Kids: "Action and Action"

Song rips.

Fetty Wap: "Trap Queen"

Assuming aliens are on their way to earth and want to look "in the know" as soon as they hit the pavement, a vessel entering the atmosphere blasting "Trap Queen" would be the ultimate "WE COME IN PEACE/TO PARTY" token.

If the aliens are hostile, we can just ask for the mixtape back; Carl's graduation party is Saturday anyway so I'm killing two birds with one stone here.