The World's Elderly Are Turning to Crime and Must Be Stopped

A steady trend of crime has increased for people over the age of 65.  


A troubling trend has been gaining steam among the world’s senior citizens. Instead of retiring to a peaceful life of rigged bingo games and very slow walks around the block, it seems more and more people of the septuagenarian persuasion in places like Japan, the Netherlands, and Korea have taken on a life of crime to feed the insatiable appetites of their unhinged lifestyles.

Beware of baby boomers.

In 2013 alone, crimes in Korea by people 65 and over increased 12.2 percent. In Japan, rates have doubled, with shoplifters now more likely to be people who should be worrying about their pensions than about things they could pickpocket. Elderly crime in the Netherlands spiked in 2010 to nearly 4,000 cases. Just last year in London, arrests of people 65 and over rose 10 percent. 

Once the elderly gather in packs, they get up to all kinds of no good. There was the Opa Bande (translation: Grandpa Gang) taking Germany's banks for millions in 2005, or the nine suspects attempted a rather classic £200 million jewel heist in London earlier this year. These people need a curfew.

How will America protect itself when these trends arrive on our fair shores? We need a rating system for their programs: slap a warning on Fox News, The Price is Right, whatever Regis Philbin is doing right now. This wouldn’t be happening if old people were still watching the shows we used to watch them watch. Today it’s Dancing with the Stars and NCIS and who knows what else. It’s scary, when you think about it. Times like these, you have to miss Andy Rooney even more than usual: seniors these days are simply out of role models. Best we can do is build more prisons and pray things get better. While we’re young.