Sick of hearing, like, Norah Jones or whatever at Starbucks? Well, Spotify has you covered: Billboard reported this week that the two mega-entities with green logos have teamed up to make "the barista the DJ." Sounds cool, I'd like to make THIS barista the DJ, personally. She'd light it way, WAY up.
But seriously, what does this mean? Well, it means that you'd be subjected to one person's taste instead of a corporation's—and taste is like cups of Starbucks coffee (most are terrible) so it's unclear whether this is a real win for anyone. Unless! Your barista decides to rinse these hot jams for when you're trying to sip on a double-triple coffee-cream brownie-fudge latte short stack (is that a real drink?).
Starting out with something relatively polite, for EDM anyway: Dillon Francis has some heaters in his clip, but they’re all too rude for the dude in front of you in line trying to get his Venti on. This thoughtful cut with UK producer Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs, however, is just bumping enough to get your heart racing while polite enough not to make anyone spill the half-and-half.
More chill pop: ”Just Like Me,” from Lana Del Rey fascimile Betty Who, actually sounds like it’d be perfect for Starbucks—it vaguely resembles Sarah McLachlan, it’s not too dynamic—and, hey, who knows, maybe it’s played in a Starbucks already! If a barista put it on though, I’d point to them and be like “THAT’S WHAT’S UP” and keep screaming that phrase until I’m escorted out of the Starbucks by, I dunno, Starbucks security?
This is the chillest house song, basically what would happen if Merriweather Post Pavilion-era Animal Collective made REAL dance music. The other day I was in a coffee shop (NOT STARBUCKS) and this was on their sound system and the girl making coffee was singing along to the chorus but she kept adding extra "Yeah!"s while she was singing. It was annoying but I realized she was enjoying herself and I thought, "Hey maybe don't be so critical of someone who's enjoying herself." She should work at Starbucks, play this song there, and sing along with it. It'd be a hit.
"Skinny latte but my foam tall!" Haha, good one right? If you don't want to hear "Shabba" in Starbucks then you're not American.
Remember the ‘90s? Lol. But seriously, Starbucks has always fancied itself left-of-center, so why not bump this sex-positive jam while people are burning their mouths on bacon egg and cheese sandwiches? (Side note: Do the sandwiches REALLY need to be in the microwave for that long?)
Man, you just know that A$AP Rocky's new album is going to be trash because this record isn't on it. "Multiply" is on Spotify, though, so some barista can just let that fucking aux cord fly and give some real fire to these chai-sipping basics.
Me: "Hey, are you EVER going to make my coffee?" Barista: "Yeah…Eventually." (Barista throws on Tame Impala's "Eventually") (I get mad at his flippant bullshit attitude and then I smile because Tame Impala are just so fucking chill, dude, why are you mad when you're listening to Tame Impala anyway?)
"I got energy, got a lot of energy…because you guys keep overroasting the coffee beans and now I'm all caffeinated out! Hey where are you going? I got a lot of energy!"
In closing: if a barista ever puts this on, you know it's lit.