Gentle reminder: 2017 is the last year the Oscars will remain untouched by Donald Trump. Enjoy the last Cheeto-free Academy Awards while you can, because starting next year the whole slate will be satirical, yet horrifically realistic, taking on the death of civil liberties and freedoms. If we’re lucky, the darkest timeline will only last four years. But undoubtedly by 2020, the Oscars will have evolved to keep up the ruination of America’s culture. Here’s five new Oscar categories we’ll need by the time the next presidential race rolls around.
1. Best Spray Tan SFX
Since there’ll be more than one actor tackling the girthy, yet chode-ish role of Donald Trump, let’s reward all the people involved in physically transforming those actors into The Worst. This one goes out to all those tireless SFX, Hair and Make Up teams hunting for the perfect shade of post-apocalyptic Kraft single.
2. Best Alternative Documentary
In a world where the Press Secretary tries to gaslight America into believing there were millions of people at Trump’s inauguration, seeing is no longer believing. Presenting narrative truths might go over easier if the Academy just slides Alternative in front of Documentary.
3. Best Foreign Language Film (in English)
Best Foreign Language Film will still exist in four years — but the only countries allowed to enter will be primarily English speaking ones. After all, how else will Trump tweet “Sad!” about a movie he literally cannot understand?
5. Best Finding Dory
Nominate whatever you want for Best Animated Feature, but rest assured, Finding Dory is about to become the first movie to win this award four years in a row.